Soul's tune
by StillbornAngel
Summary: Yaoi! Goten/Trunks! Some things are going quite wrong in Goten's life and he chooses to follow the wrong path - the wrong release - at a mental down. Instable and hurt he gets involved deeper day by day without the strength to pull himself out again.
1. Soul's tune 1 revised

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own anything ;)

Warning: yaoi (male/male relationship), major angst ... that's all for now ;)

AN: Since English isn't my native language I'll probably make lots of grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Please forgive me ; I would really appreciate it if someone would be willing to Beta-read.

I've decided to revise this story before continuing it since there are lots of scenes that were written badly and rushed to get on with the story. Many things that should have been explained a bit more and some that should have been left out.

_Soul's tune_

I lean my head against his shoulder, needing to feel his skin, his touch, his warmth. His body fits perfectly against mine and I can't resist to snuggle closer, to taste more of his fragnance, to taste more of his poison.

He turns his head to the sky and smiles slightly. For a moment I can't do anything but watch him from half-open eyes. Watch the sun reflecting in his eyes, the wind softly flowing through his hair.

If he'd look my way now I'm afraid he would be appalled to see the blatant longing in my glance, a yearning apparent for anyone who'd dare to look closer.

What I'd give to make him mine, to taint his lips with my venomous touch. To pull him into my disturbed reality. To end this damned friendship and let it blossom into love.

„The wind feels nice after a workout, doesn't it?" he murmurs.

_My heart screams and my mind breaks. This yearning is killing me. Has been destroying me for years of hiding behind the carefully placed mask of friendship. _

He tilts his head a little and his amused gaze meets mine. Belately I realize that I must have been staring at him.

„Busy thinking, Chibi?" he asks, his shoulders shaking slightly in laughter when my eyes widen.

„Y-Yeah!" I hurry to finally answer. „It really feels comforting." Your touch, your laughter. Not the wind.

_Desire burns like fire, flickering flames consuming me from inside out. Leaving a dizzy feeling and heat and – ashes – ashes – ashes. My chest constricts painfully with every breath I inhale, with every beat of my heart, with every whisper from his mouth, with every soothing touch he unconsciously offers. _

I raise my hand to lightly touch his cheek. He looks surprised for a second, then his smile warms his face again. So naive, so innocent, so intoxicating. Not yet fully comprehending the emotions mirroring in my eyes.

_Don't do it, Goten. Don't make it harder for the both of us._

He looks down at me helplessly and moves his hand around my shoulder in a friendly gesture. When he slowly lifts his fingers to stroke my hair I know that I can't stay away any longer. That I've ignored my soul's craving for far too long. That I'm too far gone to stop now.

_Don't undo everything you've built up so carefully with one single rash decision._

I pull back slightly and sit up, watching his confused expression. His hand falls back down on my shoulder when I fully face him. He doesn't remove it though and I guess that's a good sign, isn't it?

„You're so beautiful," I whisper, cupping his face with both of my hands.

His eyes darken when I draw nearer, his breathing slightly uneven. His fingers are grasping at my clothing. I can see the glint in his striking blue eyes. It's lust.

„G-... Goten..."

His husky voice is melody in my ears, a caress itself. The way he breathes my name makes me want to touch him all the more. To just throw him down and take him. Make him mine and make me his.

_Don't rush it. Don't lose it all. _

My hands touch his cheeks gently, pulling him down to me. He closes his eyes in anticipation, exhaling with difficulty.

Then my lips taste his in a chaste kiss. Innocent and overwhelming. He tastes of honey and sweat, he tastes of life.

He is still frozen in place, not stirring aside from the obvious heaving of his chest.

Tentatively I try moving my lips against his, try to convince him to open up to me. And after a few agonizing seconds he finally responds. He slowly opens his mouth, unsure and hesistant.

When I cuddle closer our kiss breaks and he opens his lids again. For a moment we aren't able to do anything but stare into each other's eyes.

He blinks – and then something in him snaps.

I knit my eyebrows and look at him, wondering what got him upset. But when I gaze his skin with my fingertips he pushes me away roughly.

Astonished by his reaction I fail to stop the impact, my body crashes against the ground and my head thuds with a soft sound.

_Was it really worth one moment of bliss?_

It doesn't hurt. I turn my head to look up at him, his frosty glare watching my every movement. And for a moment I forget how to feel. There is no pain, just emptiness.

Blankness.

Nothing.

„Faggot," he spits.

And suddenly the emotions come crashing down. The pain, the horror, the desperation. So this is how it feels to see your world collapse. It's an absurd and tantalizing feeling. Especially when you know that noone but yourself is to blame.

_Was losing your best friend really worth one moment of bliss?_

There is nothing I can do to change the situation anymore, I realize. The wounds have been inflicted, the damage was done. No „Hey, sorry, Trunks, it was just a joke" could restore this fragile friendship.

I lean my head back down on the ground and wait for him to continue, my heart filling with dread.

Don't say anything. I know it already.

Don't break me more than you already have.

„Don't ever come near me again. Don't ever touch me again. You disgust me."

He stays for another moment, glaring down at me. Then he turns around and leaves.

Leaves me.

Leaves us. What could have been us.

My body begins to tremble and I try to push my shaking limbs up.

I want to get away, his smell is still lingering in the air and my pride won't stand to let me break down here.

At least the tiny bit of what is left of my pride.

_You destroyed this friendship_, a harsh voice whispers in my head. _Best friend wasn't sufficient enough for you. You wanted more_. And then again: _You destroyed this friendship. Noone is to blame but you._

My body disobeys, my shivering hand slips and I fall back down onto the grass.

Then finally the tears come. I wipe them away furiously, angry at myself. I shouldn't wallow in self-pity but rather think about a solution. How is it possible to fix the broken trust our friendship endured? How can I undo the damage I've voluntary done?

_I have offered him everything. _

I can't understand why he turned me down, I saw the lust in his eyes, I saw emotions in his eyes. Is he afraid? Am I not worthy enough for him?

Oh Dende, I ruined everything.

I've ruined our friendship.

I have to talk to him. Maybe he will believe me if I tell him it was just a bet. Maybe we can rebuild our friendship from a frangible lie. Maybe it's not too late yet to persuade him that I had not been serious.

Get up, Goten, get up! If you run after him now he might still believe you. Don't wait any longer. Every minute that passes will convince him of your guilt.

_Not yet! _

A hollow scream, a silent plea.

_How will you face him now? Full of tears and a hoarse voice?_ _With a heart broken to pieces and a world upside down? Can you even look into his eyes truthfully anymore?_

Tomorrow then, at school. Tomorrow I will talk to him. He will understand. We will remain best friends. Tomorrow, surely.

I stand up slowly, my limbs still shaking. Breathe, Goten, breathe. You haven't lost it all yet. There will certainly be a way to repair your friendship.

_... but not to undo the damage._

_I have offered him everything. And he rejected every bit of it. _

And that was the worst truth of it all.


	2. Soul's tune 2

Disclaimer: Dragonball is still not mine, will never be  
  
Warning: When you read the first part, then you'll already know, that this is a *YAOI* fic, meaning male/male situations. If you don't like to read stories about male/male relationships, then don't read the fic for Kami's sake. Ok, duty complied. On with the fic ^^  
  
  
  
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Soul's tune  
  
  
  
It's been three days. He hasn't even spoken a single word to me since that incident.  
  
My chest hurts, but I know it's a pain I will have to live with. Sometimes I wonder if hearts can bleed tears when they break. It sure feels that way.  
  
  
  
But I knew the risk. I should have never taken it, yeah, I see it now as well. Sometimes, however, you have to do something stupid to learn from it. Learn it the hard way, it will be easier to remember. Then maybe, hopefully you'll never make the same mistake again.  
  
  
  
I'm tired of waiting for an appearance on his part. He's just too proud. At least I sincerely hope, that's the only reason.  
  
It seems it will be me again who has to jump over his own shadow and make the first move. I know I can't have him the way I actually want, but I want to save our friendship. We have a bond I would never like to break because of my selfish actions. Even if it means to deny everything that happened between us. Forget that he responded for a second.  
  
  
  
I sigh and walk through the school corridor to his locker, intending to wait for him there. It will only get more difficult with every passing day so I might as well get over with it today. Who cares about pride when friendship is involved. What a bitter thought. He seems to care about it a lot, though, if he gives it priority.  
  
  
  
Some giggling tears me out of my own world. I shake my head and concentrate on the scene before my eyes.  
  
Trunks.  
  
It seems I don't even have to wait for him anymore.  
  
It seems I don't even want to wait for him anymore.  
  
Welcome to reality, Goten.  
  
  
  
I stop dead in my tracks, only able to stare.  
  
  
  
How... I mean....  
  
  
  
He has his arm around the very person, who giggled before.  
  
  
  
But...  
  
  
  
When he spots me, he raises his hand and winks.  
  
  
  
I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.  
  
  
  
He squeezes the girl's – girl's – shoulder and kisses her lightly, murmuring quiet words into her ears. She giggles again and he steps away, towards me.  
  
  
  
I back down.  
  
  
  
No. No. You can't just play with my feelings. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know exactly, that this was nothing but a show to make it clear, that you're out of my reach. Damn bastard! I've known already, you damn bastard!  
  
... Don't you understand how much it hurts?  
  
  
  
„I'm sorry, Goten. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I was surprised, I guess..."  
  
  
  
„Don't be." My voice is venom, but I'm actually proud that I refrain from speaking out loudly what I really think.  
  
  
  
You have every reason to be sorry.  
  
But not for your actions three days ago, they can be forgiven. It should be today that you are sorry for.  
  
  
  
„So... friends again?"  
  
  
  
I only nod and smile weakly. I don't trust my voice enough to speak. The honest expression in his eyes tells me, that he isn't even aware of what he's doing to me.  
  
  
  
We're drifting apart. I want to laugh at the fact, that he doesn't even notice it. But I stay silent, say my goodbyes and go, excusing myself with the lame plea to have to go to the restroom.  
  
Actually not really a lie. I can feel the...  
  
  
  
Hold on! Hold on!  
  
  
  
An everlasting mantra in my head to motivate me to keep going just some more seconds.  
  
  
  
Almost there!  
  
  
  
I hurry to the next toilett as fast as I can, banging the door open and rushing inside.  
  
Bitter gile is forcing its way up my throat and I choke heavily. My chest heaves unsteadily while my stomach seems to turn about 180 degrees.  
  
After some minutes my breathing normalizes again, my throat is sore and burning. I suppress a sob and bury my head in my hands.  
  
  
  
I must have sat there for hours, my chin on my knees, rocking back- and forwards with no tears left to cry, with no sound left to make, because when I finally stand up to leave school the halls are empty and abandoned.  
  
  
  
I sigh and set out for home, not really wanting to go there yet. My way leads me through a small alley and I stop when I see a small figure sitting on the floor.  
  
No, I'm not afraid, I know that no human being could do me any harm. But there is something about this situation, that seems so... lost and hopeless. And that is exactly what makes me pause and stare.  
  
The fragile form down there is a girl, maybe a little younger than me, however, one year at the most. Her clothes are torn and dirty, it seems as if she hadn't changed them for a long time.  
  
I must have made a small sound, for she raises her head and looks at the intruder. At me. To my surprise, she then smiles warmly and pats the spot beside her, inviting me without words.  
  
  
  
Her eyes are dark, deep. As if she keeps a secret within them. Silent wisdom of defeat in her eyes.  
  
  
  
I don't know why I accept her offer. Maybe because I can see myself in her. Maybe because I pity her. It's not really that important after all.  
  
  
  
„Ya look quite buggered, huh." She smiles at me again with her knowing eyes.  
  
„Wanna try? Makes ya feels better."  
  
  
  
She holds out a syringe and I look at her strangely.  
  
  
  
„Give it a shot. Makes ya forget ya sorrows."  
  
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Liked it so far?  
  
Can you hear the button down there call out for you? (yeah, I DO mean the review button ^_^) 


	3. Soul's tune 3

Disclaimer: No, not mine. I'm writing this for no money (or what-so-ever)  
  
Warning: Yaoi! Male/male intimacy. Don't read it if you feel offended by this subject.  
  
  
  
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Soul's tune  
  
  
  
Those tired eyes rivet on my own, while her hand trembles slightly, not demanding but offering.  
  
I take the needle from her hand and look at it closely, then my gaze wanders to her again.  
  
  
  
„I... I have never done..." My voice is shaking, the whisper fades away, before I even finish my sentence.  
  
  
  
She shakes her head and moves closer.  
  
  
  
„Don' worry, I'll show ya."  
  
  
  
She rolls up my sleeve and attaches a flexible tube to my arm.  
  
  
  
„First ya have ta look for the vein. Veins are bluish, ateries invisible and pulsating. See?"  
  
  
  
I nod.  
  
  
  
„The levelled side of the needle is on top."  
  
  
  
She looks up and raises her eyebrows, making sure I'm listening. When I nod again she smiles and takes the syringe out of my hand. She holds it above my vein for a second and then pushes the needlepoint forward. Only a little.  
  
After that she takes off the tube and injects the fluid slowly into my veins.  
  
  
  
I can only look.  
  
Fascinated.  
  
  
  
A small line of blood forms its way out of the place of trepan and the girl quickly pushes it together.  
  
  
  
„There done."  
  
  
  
A rush of euphoria runs through my body immediately. An experience of nausea and vomiting along with elation.  
  
Balance and peace combined with dizziness.  
  
  
  
Forget. Forget. Everything.  
  
I lean my head against the wall and sigh contentedly.  
  
  
  
My body is floating, I'm save, I'm free, I'm all I ever wanted.  
  
No pain, no agony, just felicity and bliss.  
  
Memories fade.  
  
Soothing. Calmness. Everything.  
  
I want to run, I want to dance, I want it all.  
  
  
  
I feel ... detached.  
  
And it feels great  
  
No sorrow, no Trunks, no giggling girl in his arms. Just me. And no sorrows...  
  
  
  
If I had only known back then of what was to come.  
  
  
  
___~~~___~~~___~~~  
  
  
  
My mouth feels dry when I come to my senses again. I don't know how long I have been sitting there. One hour? Three? Too long. My mum will certainly go berserk, when I finally come home. Shit.  
  
  
  
I gaze at the prick of the needle and then pull my sleeve down again.  
  
  
  
When I stand up, I finally notice, that the girl has vanished. The alley is empty. No sign of her existence except for a small piece of paper on the ground.  
  
  
  
I bow down to pick it up.  
  
  
  
A short note written in a clumsy handwriting.  
  
--- Come again, I'll wait for you. ---  
  
  
  
No name with it. An impersonal contact with no names needed.  
  
But... as good as it had felt. I knew of the consequences. I wouldn't come again.  
  
  
  
I pushed the paper into my pocket and followed my way home.  
  
As already expected – and feared – my mother was waiting for me in front of the house.  
  
She must have yelled at me for about two hours about Dende-knows-what. I didn't really listen to be honest. I didn't care at that moment.  
  
After a while she must have realized my absence as well for she sends me to my room to study.  
  
I sigh audibly and hurry to my place, only wanting to escape from her shouting and screaming.  
  
  
  
I don't even bother about food, I just jump onto my bed. Within the next five minutes I am already sleeping.  
  
  
  
___~~~___~~~___~~~  
  
  
  
My alarm clock rings far too early and I slam it against the wall with my hand unconsciously. There's a bang and the sound stops instantly.  
  
  
  
„Blast it." I mutter and maneuvre my pillow over my head to block the light.  
  
  
  
„Yeah. That's exactly what you've done. Word-for-word." No, not the harpy again. Not in the morning. Not at that time. Not now.  
  
Kuso, I must have been around Vejiita too much lately.  
  
  
  
„Just a sec. I'm coming" I mumble. My lids feel heavy. Damn the stupid school.  
  
My door is closed softly and I swing my legs out of the bed. My hand runs through my hair and a certain spot catches my attention.  
  
  
  
I sigh.  
  
No more t-shirts until the wound healed up.  
  
  
  
~~~___~~~___~~~___~~~  
  
  
  
„Where have you been yesterday, Goten. Your mum called at least five times to see if you were with us in CC." Trunks' voice behind my ear.  
  
I turn around.  
  
  
  
„Don't worry. I was just walking a little. Arranging my thoughts, you see?" I smile my happy-go-lucky smile for him.  
  
  
  
„Ah. Ok." He looks at me closely for a moment. „You look a bit pale today. Not feeling well?"  
  
  
  
„I didn't get enough sleep, my mum shouted at me for hours for being late" I shrug nonchalantly and he laughs.  
  
  
  
„Fits. So... still sparring tonight?"  
  
  
  
He is so very unsure around me. I don't bite, Trunks. You of all people should know that.  
  
  
  
„Sure, same time, same place." He grins and gives me a thumb up. Then he walks away into the opposite direction.  
  
  
  
I turn around to see him disappear into his classroom. Just before he enters it, a familiar figure steps up to him and he greets her with a usual kiss.  
  
  
  
I avert my eyes immediately and make my way to my class.  
  
  
  
Maybe I should visit that girl in that alley again.  
  
Just to make sure she is alright.  
  
  
  
  
  
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| Please review ^_^. It'll only cost you 2 minutes of your life and brings the benefit of  
  
V another chapter full of torments for poor Goten. *laughs evilly* 


	4. Soul's tune 4

Disclaimer: No, not mine. I'm writing this for no money (or what-so-ever)  
  
Warning: Yaoi! Male/male intimacy. Don't read it if you feel offended by this subject.  
  
  
  
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Soul's tune  
  
  
  
Classes come and go. I'm seriousely surprised that I even find my different classrooms. I can't concentrate. Just stare of into space, thinking.  
  
More than one of my teachers exhorted me because I didn't listen to their instructions.  
  
I then always tilted my head and muttered my agologies, not even knowing for what I was actually saying sorry.  
  
My mind was splitting into two halfes.  
  
One of it wanted to receive freedom and redemption again. One more moment of bliss.  
  
The other wanted what I could never have.  
  
The first option was out of the question. I knew of the consequences. I was somewhere far down on the ladder, I didn't want to fall any deeper. I didn't want to drown.  
  
But the second one was more dolorous by far. And only my first option could help me to get over it. Damn the infinite circle. I just don't know what to do.  
  
No. No I won't go to that alley again. It's too dangerous. I'm not exactly stable at this times. Not stable enough.  
  
  
  
„Goten!" A hissed word brings me back to reality. I tilt back and look at my neighbor for this class. I raise my eyebrows, silently asking what's wrong. She nods her head to our chemistry teacher.  
  
  
  
I rivet my attention on the person in front.  
  
  
  
„That's the third time I'm asking you a question, Goten. And I bet you aren't able to answer this one either."  
  
  
  
I smile sheepishly and move further into my chair.  
  
„I'm sorry..."  
  
  
  
„No. If you don't pay attention, then please leave my class. You'll just disturb the other pupils with your attitude. It's obvious that you haven't been listening to a single word I said during this whole period."  
  
  
  
I swallow hard and nod. After I packed up my things I stand up and leave class without another word.  
  
  
  
Outside the building I lean my head against a tree harshly and sigh. I slide down slowly and lay a trembling hand on my forehead. I breath in deeply, quivering slightly.  
  
  
  
Seems like everything goes wrong currently. Can I forget everything... when the world blurrs? Can I close my eyes to rest in peace?  
  
  
  
No, no. Don't let your thoughts even go there, Goten!  
  
You're strong. You're brave. You're proud.  
  
You don't need anyone.  
  
  
  
Why can't he see it?! Why can't he see me falling apart!  
  
Friendship is a big joke.  
  
The better you lie, the better the friendship will be.  
  
  
  
I shake my head at those unwanted and untruthful thoughts and pull my body up from the ground again.  
  
  
  
I have some hours left before I can go home, else my mum will become suspicious and keep on scolding and questioning me for hours about bunking off.  
  
  
  
I let my feet wander, not even bothering where they might get me to. The sky is a fascinating shade of blue and reminds me of Trunks' eyes. Warm and gentle. And unreachable.  
  
Why did I have to fall in love with him. There are scores of people out there who would gladly accept my offer, then why – out of all people – him? Why my best friend, why somebody who would never embrace what I presented.  
  
  
  
„I knew ya would come back." A female voice says softly. I twitch as I look around and recognize the place. As I recognize the voice. I must have come here unconsciousely.  
  
  
  
The young woman wears the same outfit as before, her hair is uncombed and tied up in a ponytail roughly. Her face is surprising beautiful, although cold, iron traits are noticeable.  
  
  
  
„Ya don't look well. Bad day?"  
  
  
  
„Yeah," I mumble. „Yeah. Something like that" I sit down beside her.  
  
„How did you know I would come back?"  
  
  
  
„Ya face, ya eyes." She says simply.  
  
  
  
„What about them?"  
  
  
  
„They speak of pain 'n loss." She smiles gently again and turns her head into my direction.  
  
„Ya' re a lot like me. I saw myself in ya eyes. That's why."  
  
  
  
„What's your name?"  
  
No, no don't ask that Goten! Don't get personal! Don't get any deeper!  
  
  
  
„Lycra."  
  
  
  
„Nice name." She smiles for a moment, then gets serious again.  
  
  
  
„Ya know. Ya need to bring certain things with ya, next time."  
  
  
  
„What things?"  
  
  
  
„Well, a syringe with needle, a spoon, a lighter, a cigarette filter, a belt or tube, citric acid. The ordinary." She says it as if she has done it thousands of times before.  
  
Then maybe she has.  
  
  
  
„I don't think I'll come again. This is the last time..." I explain.  
  
She just raises her eyebrows. No reply. Maybe that should alert me, but it doesn't.  
  
  
  
„Ya wanna forget huh?"  
  
I blink at her abrupt change of the subject.  
  
  
  
She takes my hand and pulls my sleeve back again.  
  
  
  
My mind screames and protests: Fight it. Fight her!  
  
But my body disobeys.  
  
And so I just sit there still and let her do whatever she wants to.  
  
  
  
It is the last time after all. Why not enjoy it as long as it lasts?  
  
  
  
Release washes over me. And with it comes be feeling of safety and love.  
  
  
  
--- Where did we go astray... can you tell me?  
  
  
  
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Please review and tell me what you think of the story. I lack of enthusiasm to keep on writing if nobody shows interest. 


	5. Soul's tune 5

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.  
  
Warning: Still yaoi, meaning male/male intimacy. Don't read it if you feel offended by this subject  
  
  
  
Thanks to all those who reviewed!!! I love to read your comments ^^  
  
  
  
If you're wondering, why the hell I'm posting the chapters so fast, then let me tell you: I'm having holidays (finally).  
  
Yeah, I can almost hear you say: whatever!  
  
So on with the fic  
  
  
  
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Soul's tune  
  
  
  
First thing I did when I finally came home was to go to my bed and rest. Somehow I've felt tired all day. My luck, that my mum wasn't here yet. Who knew if she didn't find another reason to yell at me again. She does that all the time.  
  
I'm not Gohan, and she can't accept that fact.  
  
Sometimes I wonder why she wanted a second child at all, if she just needed a replacement for her first. But I'm not him. Never will be.  
  
Maybe it's my cheerful character, I don't know. Maybe I'm too cheerful for her liking, because she lost her gratification when dad died.  
  
  
  
I turn around in my bed to face the window.  
  
  
  
In some hours I'm going to have to spar with Trunks. I'm not really in the mood, but I promised. Why does he want to spar in the first time? Is he feeling guilty or just the need to get stronger. Like his dad.  
  
When we were young we were sparring day and night, both of us so eager to please our dads. Thinking about it now, I have to confess we were just little fools, who knew it better, but still tried so hard. None of our dads showed interest, really. Vejiita wasn't bothering, big surprise, and my dad died, like he always does. Sometimes I envy other children for having the luck to actually grow up with both of their parents. With loving parents, who support them no matter what.  
  
  
  
I bring my hand up in front of my mouth and yawn.  
  
  
  
Sleeping would really be a good idea. Else my match with Trunks will be quite onesided and he – we - wouldn't want that.  
  
Moreover I'm really tired...  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
A loud bang interrupts my slumber and I slowly open my eyes. There's not even the need for imagination to know who is in charge of that noise.  
  
My head spins when I hurry out of my bed, a strong headache already forming. I rub my temples and make my way down to my mum.  
  
  
  
„GOTEN!!!"  
  
  
  
Please, my ears are ringing, my head is burning up, please soften your voice.  
  
I moan slightly, my fingers still massaging my head.  
  
  
  
„What is it mum?" I'm forcing my eyes to stay open. How can I be so tired, even after I slept for a while?  
  
  
  
„Come help me carrying the bags!! It's mostly your food after all!!"  
  
  
  
Obediently I stumble forwards and take the bags from her hands, bringing them on the kitchen table. I'm too drowsy to disagree or complain.  
  
  
  
Taking a short look on my watch I realize that there is hardly any time left before I have to go sparring. Sighing I retreat from the kitchen to shower at least.  
  
How can it be this late? Feels as if I just went to sleep five minutes ago...  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Trunks is already waiting for me, when I finally reach the arranged place. He's wearing spandex and a shirt, his every muscle showing though the tight material. Breathtaking.  
  
  
  
The word is formed again and again in my head.  
  
  
  
Absolutely breathtaking.  
  
  
  
„Hey Goten, you're late. I thought you wouldn't show up."  
  
  
  
He walks closer and all I can do is watch fascinated. I can't tear my gaze from him.  
  
  
  
„Hey, buddy. What is it? Let's start."  
  
  
  
That snaps me finally out of my dreamland. Buddy. What else. Are we even buddies anymore Trunks? I have the feeling we are just some strangers. Not running parallel, like we used to, but drifting away in a greater angel as time goes by.  
  
  
  
I nod and we both go into fighting stance simultaneousely.  
  
Trunks throws the first punch and I dodge barely. I counter with a blow from my part, which he evades easily. I sigh inwardly. I knew it would be an onesided match. Hopefully I'm able to detain the biggest damage.  
  
  
  
After about half an hour I'm sent crashing through a small mountain.  
  
  
  
I want to stand up and continue fighting, but my body trembles too much to follow my wishes. My head feels like it's packed into cotton wool, my lids are heavy. A quiet craving fills my senses, but I can't make out the source just yet.  
  
  
  
„Goten?" My life's sweet voice is calling out for me and I open my mouth to answer, but no sound comes out, just a hoarse croak.  
  
  
  
„Goten, are you ok?"  
  
  
  
What a dumb question, I want to reply. Do I look like I'm alright?  
  
„Y..yeah." I oblige my body to mutter out the calming words. I don't want him to worry about something this nonrelevant, trivial.  
  
  
  
He stretches out his hand for me to take and then lifts me up.  
  
  
  
„You really look ill, Goten. Whatever you ate, don't eat it again." He jokes.  
  
  
  
My eyes widen a little at the realisation. I must have forgotten to eat. Maybe that was why I was feeling so weak!  
  
  
  
„Yeah. Didn't intend to." I laugh and look up to the darkening sky. In the corner of my eye I see Trunks staring at my face intensively, a certain gleam in his blue eyes again. It cuts my heart slightly and I turn around to him.  
  
  
  
„What is it Trunks?"  
  
  
  
He shakes his head as if it would banish his thoughts away.  
  
„Nothing.... nothing. Must have been the light." He whispers, almost as if he's speaking to himself.  
  
  
  
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Tell me what you think of it please ^_^x 


	6. Soul's tune 6

Disclaimers: I don't own Dragonball and I don't own Dragonball Z and I don't own Dragonball GT. I don't own nothing!!! *sobs*  
  
Warning: Male/male situations and drugs (who would have thought? *g)  
  
  
  
Saiyan Serpent: You're pretty good with your interpretations ;) They come extremely close all the time.  
  
GotenTrunks: *lol* I'm seriousely considering to bring said locker room scene into this fic. Actually I didn't even want to make Trunks seem like a bitch, he does try to save their friendship, doesn't he?  
  
Chibi Slasher: He's taking H (Heroin). I needed a drug that is both, highly addictive and often abused. (Maybe I put crack in later on *muahaha* )And yeah, it does mess up with his body and mind. Badly. *g*  
  
ULTRAnormalMAN: *LOL!!!* I'd let them take a cd player with them. Sex `n drugs ´n rock'n roll AND the time chamber. Hey then we could put Trunks in as well. Sex, drugs, rock`n roll, time chamber and a threesome!  
  
  
  
Well, well, on with the insanity  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
The small sound of fingers tapping against wood.  
  
  
  
I'm bored. I don't know what to do with my spare time anymore. In the past I used to go to Trunks, playing games, sparring, going out. I never bothered making new friends, I had him after all. Now I'm sitting on the chair in my room, listening to soft music in the background with my eyes closed.  
  
Damnit!  
  
  
  
My muscles are arching, my hand trembles slightly.  
  
  
  
I'm suffocating in here. I have to go out. My mum is gone shopping anyway. She'll never know if I'm –  
  
If I'm what? I don't know. I don't care. My mind screams out for me. Loud. Again. Yearning. Longing. Wanting. Pleading for...  
  
... Release?  
  
  
  
I run out of my room and fetch the telephone in a precipitate manner. Trunks help me, I don't know what's happening to me anymore.  
  
My body shivers and my fingers are hovering above the dial.  
  
I stare at the phone for another minute. And then I lay it back down slowly and turn to walk out of the door.  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
I come to a stop in front of a club. People come in and out, laughing and talking and kissing and I watch them with a certain amount of envy, before shaking my head and entering the building.  
  
Loud music fills my sensitive senses and I close my eyes for a moment, concentrating on anything but the heavy noise all around me. It works. The beats seem to soften a bit and I breathe out relieved.  
  
  
  
I struggle past the dancing persons and head towards the bar. What am I doing here? This was once Trunks' and my favorite place to hang out. What am I doing here. I wanted to forget but still... but still I'm here, here at a place with thousands of memories.  
  
I turn towards the barkeeper and order something to drink. I don't know what, I just tell him to give me something strong.  
  
A girl next to me looks up and smiles. Her red hair is curled, her green eyes are piercing. A black dress covers her slim body. She truly is a beauty. Too bad I'm gay and in love.  
  
She stands up and comes closer. Her hips slightly swinging with her movements, a carefree smile on her lips.  
  
  
  
„Hi. I've never seen you here before."  
  
  
  
I raise my brows and chuckle.  
  
„Actually I'm quite the regular guest."  
  
  
  
She blushes, then laughs.  
  
„Ok, got me. Let me try another one. Wanna dance?"  
  
  
  
Now it's my turn to laugh. She sure is direct.  
  
„Maybe later. I just ordered something to drink."  
  
She smiles and nods, before walking away again.  
  
  
  
I look after her for a moment before a small glimpse of lavender catches my attention.  
  
Trunks?  
  
Damn. What is it that brings us together all the time. I came here to forget, not to see the sourge of my sorrows yet again.  
  
I turn around to the bar just in time to see the barkeeper appearing with my drinks. The fluid is red and the curious part of me is wondering what the hell I'm going to drink. It sure smells strong.  
  
The barkeeper must have seen my prying look for he answers my unspoken question with a slight grin.  
  
„Tabasco, escorial and captain morgan."  
  
  
  
I nod slowly and pay the drinks. The barkeeper is still grinning and I have the disturbing feeling he's just waiting for me to start drinking.  
  
After a moment I do him the favor and raise one of the glasses to my mouth, skipping the strong liquid down with one single gulp.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
I breathe in deeply. Bad idea. My throat is burning. Shikushou, what amount of tabasco did the idiot put into my drink?!  
  
I close my eyes and force my body to relax. The alcohol is slowly going into effect. I open my lids again and take the second glass, swallowing it like the first one. It goes down easier. By the fifth glass my mind is slightly fogged. It feels good. It really does.  
  
  
  
„Care to dance now?"  
  
The girl's green eyes are watching me friendly and I stand up, nodding.  
  
My sight is fuzzy. No, not bad, just a little.  
  
She takes my hand and moves towards the dancefloor. In the back of my eyes I seem to sense a head jerking up and ice blue eyes staring into my direction.  
  
I shake the feeling off and devote my attention to the girl in front of me and the music all around.  
  
My body moves with the fast beat automatically, the alcohol surpresses any touch of restrain.  
  
Just dancing and feeling free.  
  
Some part of me registers absently the arms that are coming around my neck as a slow music sets in.  
  
I seek for... release.  
  
„Wow. You're dancing really well." A small breath into my ear.  
  
She brings her body closer to mine and her lips are getting into dangerous range as she moves them along my cheek... downwards.  
  
  
  
„Excuse me!" A furious voice interrupts her and I thank Dende for whoever it might be. Tough as I turn around to meet my rescuer my eyes widen and I'm not too sure if I should offer Dende my thanks after all.  
  
Blue eyes are glaring down at me and I feel Trunks grab my hand to tug me outside. The girl is watching helplessly, not quite knowing what to think of the situation.  
  
I don't even know her name.  
  
  
  
Cold air stripes my skin when we finally get outside.  
  
  
  
„What the hell was that all about?!" Rage. Ruthless, wild rage. Trunks pushes my body against the wall forcefully and lays his hands on both of my shoulders in order to keep my position.  
  
„Answer me?! What kind of sick joke are you playing!"  
  
I open my mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. I don't know what to say.  
  
He narrows his eyes even more and raises his hands to slap me. Hard.  
  
A small line of blood is forming in the corner of my mouth. My eyes are open widely. Staring, but not yet comprehending.  
  
Then I bring my hand up to my lips, running my fingers over the fluid.  
  
Has he... Has he...  
  
  
  
Trunks removes his arms and takes a step backwards. „Oh God. Oh God, Chibi...I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to..."  
  
  
  
My eyes are watering and struggle to hold the tears back.  
  
One word is repeating itself again and again in my mind. Betrayal.  
  
  
  
I lean my quivering hand against the cold stone of the wall to push myself upwards.  
  
„Don't be." My voice sounds tired and flat. Maybe the indifferent tone is alarming him, for he tries to take my hand again. „Goten..." He sounds desperate, but I don't care. I don't care about anything at this moment, just let the wind run through my hands before I turn to walk away.  
  
  
  
Lycra greeted me with a warm smile and her friendly eyes that day.  
  
And I surrendered.  
  
With body and soul.  
  
  
  
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Sorry, it took me so long to write this chapter.  
  
Major writer's block *sigh  
  
Well. Anyway, I hope you liked it. Please review ^_^x 


	7. Soul's tune 7

Disclaimer: Yay. Still don't own them *sobs brokenly* But I still can make them suffer *muahaha*  
  
Warning: *fg* fear, horror, EVIL  
  
Thanks to my reviewers ^^  
  
(*LOL* So, GotenTrunks here are some of Trunks feelings.)  
  
  
  
Trunks' POV by the way (although you'd probably figured it out by reading the first two lines)  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
I tried to call him, tried to make everything alright again, tried to apologize. But every time I was answered only by Chichi's worried voice, telling me that Goten hadn't come home yet.  
  
  
  
It was my fault and the worst part was that I didn't even understand myself why I slapped him at all. There was no reason. Not even for jealousy, he did make it clear only a short while ago, that he liked men after all!  
  
I was so stupid.  
  
Had I only listened to my feelings at that time, it would have never come this far.  
  
  
  
He changed.  
  
He appeared to school more rarely, his grades were suffering, his cooperation decreased. He shut himself off, didn't even take care to keep up appearances of interest.  
  
I tried to talk to him several times, tried to agologize yet again, but he refused my approaches every time, telling me there was no need to apologize.  
  
  
  
Like a ghost, who doesn't care anymore. A body without soul, a bygone individuum.  
  
And it hurt.  
  
It hurt to look at him but not to be able to do anything about it. I was once his best friend, for Christ's sake. And now I'm just a helpless spectator .  
  
And it was my fault. The egoistical bastard in me, who thought about nothing but himself and who gave away his best friend, his.... his everything, just because he didn't come clear with himself. Too proud to confess, that he could indeed be not normal. Too chicken to deliver himself to society. What would they think of him after all?  
  
  
  
Yeah. Egoistical.  
  
Only now I'm finally conscious of what I had done Goten in progress, of how much I hurt him with every single one of my rejections. I'm a cold-hearted bastard.  
  
But... now it's too late to change the past.  
  
I had the chance... once. But now he's too withdrawn, now he avoids every contact as much as possible. Nobody could resent him.  
  
  
  
So I had no other option but to watch him. He seemed feebler with every passing day. His eyes were often fogged with some kind of haze, his pupils were extremely contracted most of the time. His skin was pale, sallow, dirty. Worst, however, was his body. Goten had lost weight exceedingly. His clothing hung loosely above his skin.  
  
Sometimes he would begin sleeping in during a lesson or trembling uncontrollably, just to wipe the sweat from his forehead seconds later.  
  
  
  
But the picture that will stick forever in my mind was another one.  
  
Maybe it was coincidence. Maybe luck. Maybe even destiny that I asked my teacher at excatly that moment if I was allowed to go to the toilet.  
  
Never had I imagined what I would find there.  
  
  
  
When I opened the door my heart seemed to stop beating all at once. My breath catched, something in me shattered.  
  
  
  
Goten sat there on the floor, huddled up, his look vitreous, his eyes empty. Small red lines running from his forehead to his chin, dropping down with enticing whisper to mingle with the floor.  
  
All around were fragments and pieces of the mirror, that hang on the wall once. Some of them had his blood on them.  
  
  
  
He didn't even notice my entrance, or maybe he did. At least he didn't react. There was only the small sound of sniveling.  
  
  
  
For I second I was panic-stricken. There was the person I cared most about, on the floor, surrounded by his own blood and a shattered mirror. I shook the feeling off. I wouldn't run away this time.  
  
  
  
Hesistantly I moved towards him and laid my hand onto his shoulder. A gesture, with which I actually wanted to soothe him. But as soon as I touched the fabric of his sweater – I haven't seen him in a t-shirt for ages – he jerked back, his whole body trembling, his sobbing becoming louder.  
  
  
  
Oh God, Goten. What happened to you. What have you done to yourself?  
  
  
  
I approached again, but this time I didn't make the same mistake. I didn't lay my hand onto his shoulder, but rather pulled him close to me. He stiffened and started to resist for a moment. However he must have seen, that he was too weak to do any real harm, for he stopped his attempts after a few minutes and just laid on my chest stilly.  
  
  
  
I won't let you go again, Goten.  
  
  
  
My hand ran gently through his hair, while I whispered quiet words into his ear. I needed him to calm down.  
  
And I only prayed, that it wasn't too late. That I wasn't too late. That I didn't take too much time to come clear with my feelings.  
  
  
  
Whose tears mingled with the blood, mine or his? I can't tell. But I know, that he needed the touch as much as I needed it.  
  
  
  
I stood up slowly, bringing Goten's fragile form with me. He clung to me, when his body was shaken by a forceful wave of shivering.  
  
„I'm tired, Trunks." He mumbled against my shirt, his breathing was slightly uneven, his voice almost unrecognizeable.  
  
  
  
„Come on. I'll get you out." I choked, my tears blurring my vision. What in Kami's name have you done to yourself, Goten.  
  
  
  
His grip was loosening and I swooped him up immediately. I considered about where to go for a moment, then came up with the conclusion to take Goten home to my apartment. Better to wash the blood off him, before his mother sees him and faints. I'll just call her to let her know that he'll spend the night with me. Just so she won't have to worry any more than she already does.  
  
  
  
Goten stirred a little against my chest and I thought I heard him whisper my name.  
  
  
  
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Yay, my writer's block is gone *breathes out*  
  
I still have some torments for Goten *evil laugh* Somehow I always come up with them.  
  
But I don't know yet if I bring them it. Well, whatever! Of course I'll bring them in! *muahaha*  
  
Saa, hope you liked it ^_^x 


	8. Soul's tune 8

Disclaimers: Look at the last chapters  
  
Warning: Same as before  
  
  
  
I'm really sorry, that I kept you waiting for so long, but the damn school kept me busy again with physics and maths.  
  
  
  
Well... anyway, on with the fic.  
  
  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
Except for one or two moans Goten laid silently in my arms, snuggling closer to my body heat instinctively. He looked so fragile, so broken. It made my heart bleed.  
  
Supporting him with one arm, I fumbled in my trouser pockets for my keys to open the door to my apartment. He was so light, it was no problem to carry him at all. Apparently he must not have eaten right for quite the period now.  
  
Dark claws were clasping around my heart. Didn't he know how extremely unhealthy and dangerous it was for a Saiyan to not eat right? Or did he just not care?  
  
  
  
After I shut the door again I brought the precious bundle to my room and down on the soft sheets of my bed. He rolled to his left side and pulled the blanket close to his shivering form instantly.  
  
  
  
Frowning I bent down to touch his forehead lightly, wondering if he had fever.  
  
I withdraw my hand immediately, feeling his head burning up, and ran out of the room to get some piece of cloth.  
  
After wetting the fabric with cold water I hurried to my best friend again and laid the moist material on his skin.  
  
He shifted his weight slightly, but else showed no sign of recognition or awareness.  
  
  
  
He slept through the rest of the day without waking up. And although I knew, that it was only natural to do that in his state of exhaustion, I was also worried about the meals he was missing again and the fever that just didn't want to wear off.  
  
  
  
It was in the middle of the night, when Goten finally stirred and opened his lids halfway, trying to make out his suroundings. His eyes stopped moving when they locked with mine.  
  
  
  
„Trunks..." His voice was muffled by the pillow in front of his face and consequently barely a whisper. I doubt it would have been anything else, even if there wasn't a pillow in front of him.  
  
  
  
I smiled at him reassurely, glad that he had finally awoken.  
  
„Do you want something to eat, Goten? You must be starving right now."  
  
  
  
He closed his eyes for a moment, struggling to speak. Then he answered my question with the same tired tone, shaking his head lightly. „No... no thanks." I could tell that he wanted to say something else, but then decided different and kept silent.  
  
  
  
His manners concerned me to no end. Where was the Goten I knew? The Goten, who would jump at the mere mention of food?  
  
„Are you sure? You look like you haven't eaten for-"  
  
  
  
I stopped when I saw Goten move his head franctically.  
  
„What are you looking for?"  
  
  
  
Hunted eyes met mine. Something was definately wrong. I just couldn't put my finger on it.  
  
„How late... is it?"  
  
  
  
Surprised at his question I glanced at my watch and told him the time. Half past two. He made no move to explain his reasons for asking.  
  
  
  
„Why?" I brought out after a minute. Didn't he want to be here with me? I couldn't actually blame him if he didn't.  
  
  
  
He let his head fall back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling.  
  
„I'm late..."  
  
  
  
I smiled weakly. „Don't worry, I've informed your Mum, that you're staying here with me for the night..."  
  
  
  
He chuckled softly and raised his hand to his forehead to remove the cloth on top of it. Then he looked at it strangely. „That's not it... but thanks anyway..." After a moment he added in a whisper, „ for everything."  
  
And just seconds later he was asleep again, the smooth fabric still in his hands.  
  
  
  
I considered waking him up again to ask him about his weird behavior, especially about the last answer he gave. But my rationality and concern surpassed my curiousity and I decided to let him rest. He needed to gain strength after all.  
  
  
  
I don't know when I slept in myself, but the weariness and blurring I felt told me that my rest couldn't have been long. Yawning lightly I turned my head around to Goten to see what woke me up.  
  
  
  
My friend was tossing and turning on the bed, his face was covered with a sticky moisture. Wet strands of hair stuck to his lips and skin, his mouth opened as if he wanted to say anything. Only a whimper escaped him.  
  
  
  
„Goten?" I didn't know what to do. I was never confronted with sickness before. Saiyajins get rarely sick. So I went to his side again to look if his fever increased. Just before I could close the distance between us, his eyes jerked open widely, his breathing becoming a game of uneven gasps. He raised his waist slightly, his fingers were clung into the blanket.  
  
  
  
I put my hands on each side of his cheeks and watched him anxiousely.  
  
„Goten?" No reaction. „Goten!" Finally he focused on my face with half lidded eyes.  
  
„Goten, what's the matter?" A silly question, I know. But it was the only one that came to my mind at that moment, and considering the circumstances I was actually proud to get it out.  
  
  
  
„T-Trunks..." Dear Dende, his voice sounded so small. „I hear.... my... my... blood pulsating..." His eyes left mine and he focused his attention on the ceiling before whispering again.  
  
„Faster... faster... faster... fa..." A forcefull attack of choking interupted his senseless blabbing. Oh shit. Oh shit.  
  
I lifted him up to support him.  
  
  
  
„Suff.... Suffocate..." he croaked, fighting a new wave of coughing.  
  
„Calm down, Goten. Calm down." I told him reassurely, trying to keep any hint of panic out of my voice. It didn't seem to work though.  
  
„I'm... I'm... suffoca... my lips... and my throat... they... feel so hot..." he gasped. His stomach heaved uncontrollably. Dammit!  
  
I swept him up immediately and carried his trembling form to the toilet. He struggled for a moment, then lost the battle and threw up, while I stroked his back softly, still trying to suppress the shock that this was indeed the person which I spend my youth with. I was torn out of my thoughts when I heard him mumbling again. So quiet, that I was unable to understand it, not even with my Saiyan hearing.  
  
„Better?" I asked him after a while and he nodded weakly. I looked at his slumped form for a minute, then fetched some toilet paper to wipe the vomit from his face.  
  
„I'll get you something clean to wear." I told him. Had I looked back at him, I would have probably seen the blind horror in his eyes. But I didn't.  
  
When I came back with a t-shirt and shorts , I found him crouched in the corner of the small room and raised my brows.  
  
„What is it, Goten?" His odd behavior intensified my worries.  
  
He just shook his head. I was pretty sure that he would have run out already if he had the strength to do so. But why?  
  
  
  
Focusing on reality again I went up to him and tugged at his dirty sweater. He didn't help getting out of the clothes, just sat there with... tears forming in his eyes?  
  
  
  
What is the meaning of this? What am I missing?  
  
  
  
Then a certain spot on his exposed body draw my attention and I slowly took his hand in mine, moving his arm closer to take a better look. He tried to jerk his arm back, but was way too feeble to accomplish anything.  
  
He sobbed now openly and struggled more and more to get out of my grip. Probably out of my life. Probably out of his life.  
  
I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes.  
  
„You're on drugs."  
  
  
  
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Finally finished the chapter. Hope you liked it. ^_^x  
  
Reviews are always welcome. I'm glad about every single one of them. 


	9. Soul's tune 9

Disclaimers: No, I still don't own Dragonball. I never will. I'm just writing this story and I don't want any money from it. But a few reviews would be nice ;)  
  
Warning: Still yaoi, meaning male/male relationship. Still drugs.  
  
Thanks so much to all of you who keep reviewing constantly. (Of course to everybody else who did as well) You keep the story going!  
  
(I tried to bring in more of Goten's surroundings in this chapter, Tenshi no Namidagao. Goku is dead by the way ;) )  
  
And last but not least thanks to my best friends who inspired me to write this chapter.  
  
Enough of this, on with the story.  
  
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Soul's tune  
  
  
  
Helpless cries, forgotten in the flowing wind. A black in the darkness, apparent but still... not observable, not to catch. Yearning stays unreachable.  
  
And everything sinks down deeper and deeper.  
  
  
  
I have the feeling my world consists of shards, whose sharp tips always look into my direction. Lurking. Hoping. Destroying.  
  
Every time I think that I've reached my low point, some will less shadow shows me of how much I'm wrong. Of how much I chase after my desperation.  
  
Because it can always get worse.  
  
  
  
Dear God. I never wanted him to see me like that. I never wanted him to recognize how deep I had actually fallen. How deep I am already beneath him. How far we edged away from each other. As long as I don't say it out aloud, it isn't true. Like a child that sits on the ground and has the opinion to be actually invisible if he thinks he is. How naive. But I think that I was always like that, naive.  
  
  
  
I saw his look, when he pulled my arm closer to him to take a good look at my elbow. I knew he would look at me the way he did. With that glimpse of disappointment and pity in his eyes. That's the reason I tried to struggle, I tried to fight him. I don't want his pity. I don't know what I want at all anymore. Once I wanted respect. Maybe now I only want my next needle, bringing me my next wave of normality. My world has become crazy, seemingly unreachable, estranged.  
  
  
  
A part of me hopes, that Trunks will keep this whole shit to himself. I'm not really keen on going to a therapist, who will try to make me understand, that my only release, my only way out, my only escape from reality is dangerous. And that I should keep my hands off of the game, that could cost my life, if I won't stop it soon.  
  
  
  
But I don't care. I don't know why. It's as if my instinct of self- preservation is diminishing day by day, as if I don't have the will for anything else in my life but my way back to normality. I want to be free, like everybody else.  
  
I need freedom. Kami, help me, I have to get out.  
  
I want to shrugg everything off as a nightmare. Neither Trunks nor this room are real. Everything is just one more phantom of my world of delusion.  
  
Deeper, deeper, deeper.  
  
A mirror in the light.  
  
Feelings of emptiness.  
  
  
  
I try to brace my form to get up. I have to get out. It's as if his eyes are on me all the time, staring at me with that look of disappointment. And it hurts. It hurts, that I do not only disappoint myself, but also the person, that is most important to me.  
  
  
  
Hopefully he doesn't say a word to my mum. She'd probably shout at me for the rest of my life. And my next. If she cares. Maybe she won't say anything at all, because she doesn't have to buy so much to eat anymore. Ok, I admit, that the last sentence was cheap. I do know that she's worried. She just doesn't understand that her yelling drives me further away from her. With every conflict I spend more time outside doing whatever what.  
  
I don't like being at home. The only thing we do is arguing. Well, not really arguing for she does all the talking, but I guess you get the point.  
  
Mostly I only stay home for one to two hours in which I try to sleep in my bed and extrude my mother's voice.  
  
  
  
Yeah, that's Son Goten. That's me. That's what I have become. I'm not worthy enough for you or your friendship anymore. You shouldn't have to worry about me, Trunks. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just causing you trouble and pain all the time.  
  
  
  
„Please don't hate me..." This are the only words, that I'm able to bring out. And I mean them. I know, that I won't be able to stop anymore. Thereto I'm too much involved. Furthermore I don't expect pity. I don't want pity. Especially not from him. I just don't want him to hate me for being too weak to pull me out of this situation, in which I've gotten myself, on my own again. Damn it, I never wanted for him to know. I didn't avoid any contact as much as possible for nothing. I didn't rarely come to school for nothing. I shouldn't go to school at all. If I only hadn't gotten there. But I couldn't . As if a part of me pushed me to go back. To him. How stupid, I know. I won't go to school anymore.  
  
  
  
Silent rustling of clothes is audible and before I can look up I sense the breath of a touch on my cheek. I can fight my first reaction to twitch back just barely. Apparently I finally learned how to control myself, how to let my body not reveal my actual feelings, how to extrude my soul. That's the only way left for me, if I want to savor freedom further on.  
  
  
  
Trunks' fingers form a gentle path from my cheek down to my arm, until he finally stops at my elbow.  
  
„Why?" he whispers. I can't detain my body from flinching, when his sweet breath strikes my skin lightly.  
  
  
  
Why...why... I don't know myself. Escape. Release. Normality. I want to be the same as everybody else. I want to be like everybody else, as much as possible again.  
  
  
  
When I don't answer his question he lays his hand on my shoulder and pulls my body close to him. With the other one he tries to wipe off the tears, that find their way to the ground constantly. I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know how I'm still able to feel enough to cry. But I can't stop. Kami, I can't stop. I want to, but it doesn't work. As if everything just breaks down on me.  
  
  
  
He presses me closer to him, as if he is afraid I would run if he didn't. Not an unrealistic thought at all, maybe he knows me to well. Like maybe he knows nothing anymore. But fact is, that I would run by the first chance I'd get, simply because I'm too chicken to surrender to him in this state of instability. But I can't. Every limb in my body seems to protest with the slightest of movements. Tiredness reaches for my senses, while Trunks weighs me into sleep softly.  
  
  
  
Before it finally claims me, I wonder briefly why Trunks' shoulders are shaking.  
  
  
  
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Hmm... More of the evilness the next chapters. *laughs insanely*  
  
So... want me to continue? 


	10. Soul's tune 10

Disclaimer: Would you believe me if I told you that I was Akira Toriyama? No, you wouldn't. So why the hell do I even bother with all the disclaimer stuff?  
  
  
  
Warnings: Same old song. Angst, drugs, yaoi, evilness *muahaha*  
  
  
  
Thanks to every single one of my reviewers.  
  
  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
On drugs. Goten. My best friend since my childhood. Since I'm able to think. When someone had told me about this situation only half a year ago, I would have laughed at him. And then I would have beat him up. Nobody spreads lies about my friends. Especially not about him. What about now? Now I've seen it all with my own eyes, like some hateful nightmare, that doesn't want to disappear, no matter how hard you try.  
  
How could I have missed it? How in the pitch black hell could I – who sees myself as his best friend – tell me, how couldn't I notice of what was happening to him?  
  
Doubt and disappointment directed at my own person seek their way into my world of feelings immediately, destroying every little thing that might be a bar to them.  
  
And for a moment I simply feel nothing, a delightful blankness.  
  
Like the calm before the storm and it follows instantly, breaks through, breaks down on me, breaks apart upon me.  
  
Feelings and thoughts in such intensity, that they threaten to suffocate me and burst my skull into agony.  
  
  
  
It had been me. I sent him away every time he came and tried to entrust me of his feelings until even the last spark of this gift, the gift to be able to trust somebody, until the last spark ran dry in the middle of nowhere. And I didn't notice. Didn't avert it. Left him alone with his pain.  
  
  
  
When I look back, I have to admit, that I enjoyed our very first touch as much as he had. It was like... like a fire, like a shock, that electrifies and leaves you yearning for more. Maybe that idea scared me too much at that time. That I wanted something, which from I knew that it was wrong. He's my best friend, for Kami's sake.  
  
  
  
And that's the reason I pushed him away for the first time, the reason why I took the first girl running across my path and showed her to him almost like my own slut. She didn't protest, maybe she didn't even notice, that all of this wasn't about her, but rather to show my best friend, that I wasn't able to feel more than friendship towards him. Yes. Yes, I saw the look in his beautiful eyes, when he raised his head and recognized what the situation was about. Disappointment combined with pain and bitterness. That was the second time I pushed him away from me.  
  
The third time was the moment I slapped him. Without any reason.  
  
  
  
Actually I should rather be surprised, that he didn't break down sooner. Maybe I asumed automatically, that he was strong enough to overcome every single problem the world came up with. It was Goten, my friend, always there when I needed him most. How could I never see, that he wasn't equal to the situation anymore, before? How could I impose him with my problems, when he couldn't even cope with his own? And the worst is, that he never complained about anything. Not once. He would just smile and say that everything would get alright again and I believed him. He was always right.  
  
  
  
What kind of friend am I. He gave me everything, his body, his soul, his heart. And I crushed them time and time again.  
  
  
  
„Please don't hate me..." His voice is barely a hoarse croak. I finally lift my head up to look into his eyes. No, not his eyes anymore. They're lacking of the certain gleam in them, that attracted me for what seems eternity. As if he couldn't find the significance of life anymore. No. Not the significance of life. The significance to live. The urge, the instinct to exist.  
  
  
  
I get the sudden impulse to just hug him, to show him, that he shouldn't give up. For himself. For us. For me.  
  
  
  
When I pull him a little bit closer, I sense for the first time the feeling, that he must have felt the whole time. Proximity is pain. The closer you are to somebody, the more you'll trust them. The more you'll open up and reveal your weaknesses.  
  
That was exactly what Goten had done, and I refused him.  
  
Now he lays here, in my arms, not more than a trembling body.  
  
Kami, Goten...  
  
  
  
My hand touches his cheek lightly and moves down his throat until it ends its way on his elbow.  
  
„Why?"  
  
  
  
I don't really expect him to answer a question, whose answer is so obvious. Of course I still hope he does, contrary to expectations. I want to be certain.  
  
But he stays still.  
  
  
  
Desperation flows through my veins like blood, when I recognize the tears in his eyes. My whole being screams for me to crash him to me and vamp his broken world back up. I see the fear in his eyes, curtly before he closes his lids once again. I can sense his silent protest, his inward turmoil more than I can actually feel it. As if he'd like to stand up and go away, never to come back again. Just to disappear out of my life. But I can't let him. I can't let him go away again. Not when I know, that I won't be able to see him again after that, not when I know what he'd already laid upon himself with his own hands And what he still could do.  
  
  
  
How deep is he involved?  
  
  
  
I don't really know how long I hold him in my arms, how long I crush him to me as if he was everything I still have left. I don't even know when I started crying, I just hope that Goten was already asleep by then. At the moment he needs somebody, who can support him, not a person, who imposes him with additive weakness.  
  
  
  
Goten murmurs silently in his sleep, when I sit up and take his weakened body with me. A tremor passes through him and for a moment I feel his virtual strength again, when he snatches at my clothes. His fingers, however, release the fabric after a few seconds again.  
  
  
  
After I wrapped him safely into the blanket, I take my place on the chair once again and watch his restless sleep.  
  
  
  
}-*-{}-*-{}-*-{}-*-{}-*-{  
  
  
  
When I open my eyes, I recognize, that I must have also fallen asleep. A hasty look to Goten assures me, that he's still captured in the land of his dreams.  
  
I breathe out deeply, relieved that he's still here at my side.  
  
  
  
A quiet knock on the door makes me jump slightly. I run my fingers through my hair briefly, an unavailing attempt to keep at least the appearance of care, while I move towards the door to open it slowly.  
  
  
  
My heart stops beating for some seconds.  
  
„You?"  
  
  
  
„Who else should it be? May I come in?"  
  
I nod - more because I'm too dumbfounded at the moment, than anything else - and move aside. She passes me and walks towards my bedroom.  
  
My eyes widen, when I finally become conscious of the situation and I reach for her wrist to prevent her from waking up the sleeping figure on my bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
„Not there. In the kitchen."  
  
She looks at me for a moment with a strange impression in her eyes, then nods seemingly reluctant and follows me into the kitchen – not, however, before she throws one further suspicious glare at the bedroom door.  
  
  
  
I sit down on one of the chairs, while I'm waiting for her to do the same. Which she does. Though she doesn't sit down on a chair, not directly at least, but rather on my lap.  
  
  
  
My upper body leans back almost instinctively as far as possible. A small noise – I think from my bedroom – startles me briefly, but my thoughts rivet attention on my former girlfriend immediately, when she positiones her legs on each side of the chair. With one hand she lifts my chin lighty up to look into my eyes.  
  
  
  
„W- What do you want, Asca?"  
  
  
  
Instead of an answer she smiles and touches my lips with hers. No. No. That's wrong. She's not-  
  
My thoughts are interrupted by the silent closing of a door.  
  
  
  
„You seem to be in another world... Trunks." I look back to her. Her face is so near, I can feel her breath on my skin. Her hands begin a dangerous direction downwards.  
  
I gasp and reach for her hands hastily.  
  
„What the hell?!"  
  
  
  
She frowns and looks actually hurt for a moment. Then the stands up rashly, a furious glance in her eyes.  
  
„You have another one?" She moves her head and her eyes remain on my bedroom door then she looks at me again. „Is she in there? Is that it?!"  
  
She turns around and moves swiftly to the implied room.  
  
  
  
„No! Wait!"  
  
  
  
Before I can stop her, she bangs the door open and looks around. Then she turns back to me, perplexed.  
  
„Why didn't you want me to-"  
  
  
  
I push her aside lightly and take a look for myself, a bitter apprehension forming, eating into my soul like acid.  
  
  
  
Empty.  
  
...Empty.  
  
The room is empty.  
  
  
  
  
  
Shit. Shit.  
  
„SHIT!!" What now? Where could he have gone? His ki is so weak, that I can't notice it anymore. Dammit!  
  
Dammit...  
  
  
  
My knees can't hold my weight any longer and I fall down to the ground helplessly.  
  
  
  
„Trunks...?" Asca's voice sounds unsure.  
  
  
  
„Please go."  
  
  
  
„But you..."  
  
  
  
„JUST GO!"  
  
  
  
I hear her steps becoming quieter. Then the noise of a door, opening and closing.  
  
I stay still for one more moment on the ground, then sit up slowly and smash the first thing that stands in my way. Whatever it was lies now in thousand pieces on the floor.  
  
I breathe in deeply and cover my face with trembling hands.  
  
  
  
„Dammit..."  
  
  
  
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Ok, hope you like it, hope you review ;)  
  
By the way, could somebody please tell me how to use italic writing? Somehow it doesn't work in FanFiction.net  
  
Oh yeah, before I forget it... I know that there are many grammar mistakes et cetera in my fics, so I'd really be glad if somebody would like to beta- read my fics. I'd appreciate it very much. (I'd ask some of my friends, but unfortunately none of them are really good in english. So I thought it would be best to ask someone who actually grew up with the language. And here I am.) 


	11. Soul's tune 11

Disclaimers: Not mine Warnings: many *g* I don't want to give anything away, but don't read it if you can't cope with darker emotions...and darker deeds  
  
Sorry it took me this long to bring out the next chapter, but at first fanfiction.net didn't work and then I was off to England with school. The next chapter will be out *a lot* sooner ^_^x  
  
So, enough of it, on with the fic.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
I accepted the clothes, which the dark haired man held out for me to take, wordlessly. I stared at them for a moment, while disgust spread itself in my body like an unstable feeling of sickness. For a short moment I pondered, if I shouldn't just throw the fabric to the ground and spit at it. A small spark of my former enthusiasm and my willpower, which I buried immediately. What mattered now was money. And to forget.  
  
  
  
Lycra stood aloof from me, her face covered by the shadows, which came from the alley's wall. Her head was tilted lightly, her hands entwined her thin body. I thought I saw her shaking her head for a short amount of time - but shrugged it off as imagination immediately after.  
  
  
  
"Put it on."  
  
  
  
I riveted my vision to the man in front of me again. "Where shall I change?"  
  
  
  
The dark haired person gestured around with his hand, pointing to no particular place. I looked at him queryingly.  
  
  
  
"Here, over there. Who cares?"  
  
  
  
A vague feeling of fury and desperation suffused my thoughts temporary. Have I really fallen this deep? Have I really fallen all the way down from this ladder already? The ladder that symbolizes my life?  
  
  
  
I breathed in slowly and then raised my pullover to take it off. From the corner of my eyes I saw Lyrca, who still watched me closely, then gave a jerk and finally turned around. With a bitter smile I also got rid of my pants and sliped on the things given to me. A tight, black shirt and a fitting jeans in the same colour.  
  
  
  
How deep did I fall.  
  
  
  
___________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
A bitter feeling in my stomach. As if you are... but at the same time you are not  
  
My sense for normality dwindles and the burdensome lot of reality pulls me down into the actual world of insanity.  
  
I can't tell when it all began anymore, can hardly remember the beginning of my end. A faded shadow in my subconsciousness with only vague schemes of blurry pictures falling behind. It all seems like eternity... like years.  
  
But still... it can hardly be more than a few months.  
  
My hands are shaking and I hide them in my trouser pockets swiftly to smother up any traitorous gesture.  
  
Night surrounds my body like a cool haze of mist, but I myself know all too well, that that won't help me a bit.  
  
That it is temporal limited and consequently elusive.  
  
  
  
Quiet steps tear me out of my world of thoughts and I raise my head a little bit to see the person's face, to whom I'll sell my last spark of self-esteem.  
  
  
  
For a short moment my consciousness bucks against the inescapable fate yet again. Tries to point out, that I could indeed escape my destiny if I would move just now.  
  
  
  
But my body is too idle to convert my thoughts into deeds. My spirit is too turbid to focus a single thought and then put it into practice.  
  
Apparently drugs cause wonders in these premises.  
  
  
  
A hand is laid heavily upon my shoulder, burns my skin like torrid ferric. I twitch back intuitively, try to elude the false poison , which wants to touch me with dissembling sanctimoniousness.  
  
  
  
It doesn't fit. Much too big, much too rough.  
  
His is smaller, more gentle.  
  
  
  
I don't understand why I must still think of him after all the time and all the pain. Especially at a time like this one.  
  
  
  
Maybe I'm just waiting for a knight in a shining armor, who'll save me in the end after all.  
  
What a fool I am.  
  
Helplessly caught in the dark web of my own dreams as the only way to survive.  
  
  
  
The hand is put on my body again, leads a tainted path, which ends at the lower bottom of my shirt to rip it apart with a single hitch.  
  
  
  
I'm shivering with the cold air or at least that's what I try to believe.  
  
I breathe in shortly and rivet my attention to the heaven above, pray for redemption, for salvation before I'll fall.  
  
In the very same moment, however, I do already know, that every hope will be in vain.  
  
  
  
This sin as the last one I'll commit. Then I'll look for a quiet place and give the money I'm making just right now up for the last high in my life.  
  
  
  
Lips seek mine and I turn my head to the side quickly.  
  
Kisses are for lovers. This is just a means to an end. Just a way to pay back my debts.  
  
  
  
Seemingly the person interprets my gesture right for he ceases from my face and dedicates his attention to my clothes again.  
  
I close my eyes, when the unknown finds his way to my trousers and opens them after some attempts.  
  
My world stops, moves in a circle, dances with incomprehensible steps, combines nothingness with existence.  
  
Oh God. Oh God. What am I doing?!  
  
I snatch at the hand and try to brush it aside, try to get away. My head feels like it's packed into cotton wool, the only thought remaining is to flee. As fast as possible, as long as I'm still able to do it..  
  
  
  
The person encloses my hands with a single one of his own, pushes my wrists against the cool stone of the wall behind me.  
  
My eyes widen in disbelief.  
  
  
  
He won't...  
  
  
  
I try to fight the strong grip, try to kick, try to defend, but the times of deprivations have weakened my body and so the only thing left to do is to plead for the rationality of the person next to me.  
  
  
  
"Let go!"  
  
  
  
Okay, so maybe this isn't exactly the most reasonable way, but in any case the best thing that occurs me.  
  
Even in my ears I can already hear the whiff of panic in my voice.  
  
The person laughs and I rivet my attention on his face for the first time. Cold eyes are starring down on me.  
  
  
  
"Let go!!"  
  
My voice breaks, my breath bogs down, when the rough lips press themselves hard against my own. Only for a short moment, only to show me, that he is the one who leads and that I am the one to surrender willingly. That my respect means nothing to him.  
  
Kisses are for lovers...  
  
I want to resist, like in the past.  
  
Want to be like my former self again. An individuum. A human being, or at least close to it.  
  
I want to be me.  
  
And now?! What happens now?!  
  
  
  
"TRUNKS!!"  
  
  
  
Desperation and a craved plea in a single word, so short, so small. And still the only thing left for me.  
  
  
  
Seemingly the person recognizes my cry for help as for what it is, because he apparently hurries up to finish what he started.  
  
I scream silently, when he distorts my arms a little and presses me face- first against the wall.  
  
  
  
My lips move, form soundless word, beg for mercy, beg for death.  
  
  
  
And then the wonderful feeling sets in, that shows the situation not from inside but from far away. As if I'm not a part of my body anymore. As if soul and flesh were divided. It feels good, when the soul doesn't need to bear the steady pressure of addiction anymore, when it is free of pain. Better than any drug, better than any high.  
  
  
  
I see my own tarnished eyes, see the person behind me, see the tainted game that is to be played. With me.  
  
No, with my body.  
  
  
  
I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to a world, in which I don't belong anymore..  
  
  
  
Let me go... and I'll let you go... okay?  
  
  
  
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Okay, I translated the whole chapter from German to English and I'm too lazy to look for mistakes to be honest. You'll just have to bear with them (or you could beta-read for me ;) ) (If you really like to you'd have to give me your email-addy, Kitty-Chan. ;) But thanks for the offer!!)  
  
GotenTrunks: I love your comments. Have to laugh every time I read them. Thanks so much  
  
Nalan Li: It differs every time. Sometimes I write everything in English from the beginning and sometimes I write everything in German first and then translate it into English. Though this one is the more difficult variation because I write more difficult sentences in German and sometimes I just can't translate them as good as I want them to be.  
  
Atreides: Don't know yet how the ending will look like to be honest. Actually I don't even know what I'll write in the next chapter. So....  
  
IF ANY ONE OF YOU HAS A CREATIVE IDEA, JUST TELL ME. Otherwise I'll just write whatever comes to my mind ^_^x (Oh and if anyone is interested: I could post the german chapters if you'd want me to)  
  
Thanks to all of my reviewers! 


	12. Soul's tune 12

Disclaimer: It's all mine *laughs insanely* MINE! MINE! YOU HEAR! Now fall down on your knees and praise me! (I'm in one of my silly moods as you can see)  
  
Warnings: Mainly angst in this chapter. Though... isn't even angst. I think there's no need for a warning this time. But I'll make sure there will be all the more warnings in the next chappies *muahaha  
  
  
  
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Die Augen trüb, der Zeit gewahr  
  
Im fernen Land, im Lebensjahr  
  
Der Geist im Traum, der Seele war  
  
Und doch nur Schmerz und Pein gebar  
  
Verletzt im dunklen Netz der Sinne  
  
Versetzt ins ewig Herz der Minne  
  
Die Freiheit wispert ständig fort  
  
Benetzt den Geist mit ew'gen Wort  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
  
  
It had been almost two months and I still went searching for him. Trying to find his missing form, trying to convince myself that he was still alive and somewhere out there. I've been looking everywhere for him, went to all of his favorite spots, went to all of our secret places. He was nowhere to be found, as if he was vanished from earth's surface  
  
I asked every person, that came into my mind and had to find out rather painfully, that I had no idea with whom he still communicated. I never noticed how far we grew apart in all those months.  
  
I still can't understand how this could all have happened. I mean... one day it was just m e and Goten.. and then everything changed and went downhill. From one day to the other, just with some simple words. And yet they were too difficult to understand at that time.  
  
  
  
I can't even begin to describe the feeling, when I felt Goten's Ki flare up for the first time after all of those minutes, hours, days. It was ... it was like a mixture of rain and sun, like ice and heat. Feelings and thoughts so different, so totally opposite. Relief and fear.  
  
  
  
My first thought was: He's still alive. Kamisama, he's still alive. I was so glad, that I was finally able to locate him, that I totally forgot, what his raise of energy must have meant.  
  
I found out the bitter way.  
  
It was a small divergency in an alley and I wondered briefly how a normal human could see in the darkness of it all, if even I had to force my eyes to recognize my surroundings. For an instant my heart stopped and panic filled my senses. What if Goten was away again? What if I lost him again?  
  
I shook those unwanted thoughts off immediately and tried to rivet my attention to the actual cause, which lead me to this place.  
  
With every step forward the lump in my belly seemed to grow, an uneasy feeling raising.  
  
Dark in black. A small shadow, hardly recognizeable, if it weren't for the white skin that shone through ragged clothes. And for the low melody that the fragil form hummed quietly from down on the ground.  
  
"Goten?" I whispered, when he didn't respond to my steps. His head was lifted a little and he looked at me - and didn't. As if I were a mere person, a stranger.  
  
"Goten?" I tried again, hoping for a sign. Any sign.  
  
He clasped his knees with his hands and leaned his head back against the wall behind him, still humming.  
  
"Please...?"  
  
I searched for his eyes again, searched for the spark of recognition in them. When our eyes connected he finally stopped humming. He tilted his head to the side and looked at the ground for a moment, then, almost questioning with the curiosity of an innocent child, he looked up again and opened his mouth to ask something. Then he closed it again and leaned back to continue humming his monotonous singsong.  
  
I followed his movement with my eyes. There was money on the ground. ...money?  
  
I lowered my hand - and stopped moving when I finally heard Goten's hoarse voice. "Shouldn't take it. It's filthy."  
  
I narrowed my eyes, wondering what the situation was about. A part of my senses still refusion to accept what this all was apparently about. Was he... was he selling himself for money? No, the idea seemed so absurd that I rejected it right away. My Goten, the Goten I knew, selling his body for money... it was.. it was just not possible.  
  
He had begun to sing his wordless song again, shutting himself off from reality again.  
  
"Goten, please don't do this..." I was on the very edge of crying. Weeping for the loss of my best friend. Weeping for all the pain he must have endured. Weeping for the poor creature in front of me, who seemingly didn't recognize me anymore. I doubted, he would recognize anyone anymore.  
  
I shook my head to escape from this horrible nightmare, that surpassed my worst apprehensions. "Goten..." I moved my hand and laid it above his own.  
  
And he suddenly snapped. His eyes opened widely and he looked at me with sheer horror in them. One second. And then he screamed and pushed my hand aside, jumping up in an instant.  
  
- I could only stare, at a loss for words.  
  
"Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me!!" he hissed, his eyes sparkling with fear and anger. His whole body tense.  
  
"Wha--" My eyes wandered around nervously, anxious to make a mistake, anxious to frighten him and push him away further with unmindful actions.  
  
Was he...  
  
No, no. It couldn't...  
  
He wasn't....  
  
But...  
  
I was brutally teared out of my thoughts when I heard the simple sound of bare feet on the ground, turning and running away. I stood up immediately, not willig to let him go away again. Not willig to loose him again. I caught hold of his hand and jerked him around, pulling him into my embrace.  
  
  
  
"Let go! Let go!!"  
  
He tried to fight me, used his fists, punched me with everything he had. Kicked, tried to bite. I held still, tried to calm him with soothing words whispered in his ear until he finally quieted down again.  
  
"It's me, Goten. Shh, it's only me."  
  
His body trembled slightly while he stood stiffly in my embrace, not daring to move. Then his body slacked and he leaned against me heavily.  
  
"Make... make it fast, so it won't hurt again..." his words were muffled by the fabric of my sweater, so very low, that I hardly understood them with even my fine hearing.  
  
"I won't hurt you again, ever, Goten. Shh... It's all going to be fine..." I whispered while running my hand through his hair slowly.  
  
He closed his eyes against my chest and began singing his melody, lost in life.  
  
"Do you... do you know who I am, Goten?" I tried again in an attempt to snap him out of his own world. He nodded and shook his head afterwards.  
  
Then he broke his lullaby and removed his head from my chest to look straightly into my eyes. "Ya have H with you?"  
  
His voice was quivering and it made me forget everything I had in mind. Shock filled my senses instead. It was one thing to asume something. Another to hear it straight from your best semi-saiyan friend.  
  
"I'm... I'm quite sore... my body's aching..."  
  
I released him from my embrace and cupped his face with my hands to make him look directly at my face. "Goten, it's me, Trunks."  
  
He blinked. His mouth opened. He raised his arm in wonder, touching my face lightly with his fingers. "Trunks?"  
  
I smiled softly against his skin. "Yeah, it's me..."  
  
  
  
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Yay! I did it! I made a happy ending possible *g* ... But remember: Possible. I'm known for bad endings, actually. Maybe I'll make a exception for you ;)  
  
As always there is You + Review = Update  
  
*laughs* I love the term 


	13. Soul's tune 13

Disclaimer: I wouldn't write a story if I owned Dragonball Warnings: Don't know. Angst? Maybe just a little. Hmm... Drugs as well. Apart from that... no warnings I think. I seem to loose my touch  
  
Author's note: Well, we finally have *HOLIDAYS*, meaning: updates will hopefully come out sooner this times. (If my friends don't keep me busy as they usually do ;) But I'll try ^_^x )  
  
__________________________ ^^(°°)^^ ________________________________  
  
  
  
I remember when I was still a little child, when nothing really mattered but sparring and having fun with Trunks. I remember a time, when I was younger, when all my best friend and I did was clubbing, going out, spending quality time with each other.  
  
I remember a time when life was easy and beautiful and carefree, when nothing could get us down, when we were everything, when we were.. were one.  
  
I wanna reach out and touch the sky, sing with the stars in the universe, hold them right here, close to me. I wanna feel the moon's kiss on my skin, wanna feel the sun's words whispered against my ear.  
  
I wanna stand at a lake, looking at its deep turquoise water, wanna dance with dark blue and black, wanna mingle with the wind, drifting away, flying away, further...  
  
Further...  
  
Further...  
  
-- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- - ^^(°°)^^ -- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- - --- -- -  
  
  
  
I open my heavy lids slowly, not wanting to loose my escape from reality. I don't really know what happened after the... the incident anymore. I think my mind just stopped working to save me from insanity. As if it would matter anymore.  
  
It's kinda cold in here and I pull the blanket closer to my body. My mouth is dry. Actually my whole body is aching.  
  
"Here. Drink it up."  
  
I can't recognize the voice. I can't recognize anything. I don't even want to know, to be honest. I don't care. It's probably the... the man from before, using me as his personal toy. I don't want to know.  
  
I just want the person to get the hell away from me, to leave me alone and ... and I don't know what then. But first he has to get away.  
  
I close my eyes and try to shake my head.  
  
"Not... I'm not thirsty..." More mumbled than spoken, but I guess he got the meaning. My mouths feels scratchy and sore, but I try to get a grip of myself. I don't want anything from that... that man. Not ever. And maybe... maybe when he's out of the room, I could try to get to the window and fly away. If I can bring my body to stand up, that is.  
  
I close my eyes immediately, when I feel him touch my skin. I don't want to see him, I don't want to see his face. Ever. I just wanna scream at him to go. His fingers are surprisingly gentle.. almost like Trunks', when he lifts my chin and brings a cold object to my lips. I open them , more intuitively than deliberate, and feel the delicate taste of water wetting my mouth. He then sets down the glass, moves a lost strand of hair out of my face before he turns to walk out of the door. Probably to fetch something.  
  
My chance!  
  
I push the blanket aside with a racy movement, or at least one, that could count as racy in my momentary state, and leap out of the bed hastily.  
  
As soon as I stand on the floor my legs give in and I fall down on my knees, my hands on the ground to support my weight.  
  
Green and red dots are dancing in front of my eyes, my head feels... weird.  
  
I think I gotta vomit.  
  
I struggle to get on my knees, holding a hand in front of my mouth to keep the urge to vomit to a minimum. Or at least to prevent throwing up on the carpet. I wonder briefly, what the hell I *could* throw up for I haven't eaten since yesterday. And even then just barely anything.  
  
The thought shimmered, then flew away.  
  
Strong arms are heaving me up suddenly and I can feel the heat of the body close to mine. My head's like lead when I finally give in and lean it against whoever is holding me. It feels... nice. Strangely save.  
  
But I know it isn't! He's the one who.... He is...  
  
I want to... get away from him. From the way he's holding me... strong yet gentle...  
  
Maybe because I always wished for Trunks to hold me in that way. He even smells like Trunks...  
  
"Dammit, Goten... You're so light, you're so thin..."  
  
He stops speaking when I snuggle closer against his skin to keep the cold away.  
  
So pleasant...  
  
So warm...  
  
Spiders are spinning a dark web around my soul and I smile with them until the picture breaks to pieces and I find myself again in warm water.  
  
What the hell?  
  
I open my eyes widely, but before I can recognize anything warm hands are above my lids, closing them for me, then moving up to my forehead to massage it softly.  
  
"Shh...Don't panic, it's just a bath tub..."  
  
I can't think right. I want to answer him, tell him that he told me not to panic before. But I can't seem to bring out a word, no matter how hard I try. I open my mouth, then close it again, when no sound comes out. My head feels so... so dizzy...  
  
I struggle to open my lids halfway.  
  
"Wha...?"  
  
"Sleeping pills," he answers quietly, still touching my skin lightly with his fingers. "You tossed and turned in your sleep, Goten. You need to rest."  
  
How the hell does he know my name anyway?  
  
I lift my head a little bit to see the strangely familiar colour of... lavendar...? Trunks...? What am I missing? I want to ask him why the hell he speaks like Trunks... and why he touches me like... like Trunks would... and why... why he looks like Trunks... and why there are two heads where there should be only one....  
  
I shake my head, try to clear my thoughts, but they seem to twist and intertwine until I finally surrender and lean my head back to welcome the darkness.  
  
  
  
_________________________ ^^(°°)^^ __________________________________  
  
  
  
Okay, no evil cliffy today. My buddy picks me up in half an hour so I have to hurry to get ready. Jaa mata ne.  
  
(I'm still considering a happy ending, since you're all asking so nicely ;) Looks good so far, doesn't it? ) 


	14. Soul's tune 14

Disclaimer: Not mine, never mine.  
  
Warnings: Same as before ;)  
  
AN: Sorry it took me this long *again*, and really, really thanks to all of you who reviewed and also to all of you who wrote me this beautiful e- mails. Thanks so much, you keep the story going, you help me get inspired ^_^x  
  
  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
Soul's tune - Klang der Seele  
  
  
  
And the world shatters again, leaves pieces of sharp, cold glass in the air. Waits for a moment of weakness to cut wounds.  
  
I fall and fall, without the will to stretch my hand just a little, tiny bit, without the will to even undertake an attempt to cling to something.  
  
Can you recognize the darkened gleam in a person's eyes, who can't find the sense of life anymore?  
  
No...  
  
Not the sense of life.  
  
The sense to live.  
  
The impulse, the urge, the instinct to exist.  
  
  
  
Blank, dull, expressionless, vacuous, broken.  
  
  
  
Proximity brings pain and agony.  
  
  
  
How much can a person endure? Can you tell me? Please. Please would you tell me?  
  
Please don't let me think anymore. Let me be the doll I want to be.  
  
Not feeling, never ever feeling again.  
  
  
  
How many times can a being collapse and try to stand upright nontheless?  
  
How much can he endure and still try to reach the goals he set so long before in a time without agony?  
  
  
  
People, seemingly so alike. Interests so .. related.  
  
But... the more contact there was, the more senseless it appeared.  
  
  
  
Proximity that kills.  
  
  
  
And still you need it so deeply, crave for it so desperately, hope for it with every blood in your veins, with every beat of your heart.  
  
You long for it with your entire being.... and still you know that it will crush you bit by bit. Your reflexes dwindle, your courage fades, you will wears away.  
  
  
  
And the bitter thing is that you recognize it all. You can see yourself falling but you don't even care enough to do something - anything.  
  
Lost hope leads to hoplessness, to distrust, to ... I don't know.  
  
But I hate him for making me feel the way I'm feeling now. Nothing at all. I don't think I can feel anymore. Not the thing I want to feel anyway.  
  
And I hate myself for pulling him through all the things.  
  
And I hate that I can't love him anymore, because I don't seem to know what love is. In a time so long ago I knew. It was the... I think the warmth I felt deep within my heart when I he spoke to me. The way my body responded to his every unintended touch automatically.  
  
The way he smiled for me, and the way I smiled for him. A smile that spoke of so many things. His spoke of trust, mine of love.  
  
Maybe it was the happiness I felt, whenever he was around, maybe even the contentment when he wasn't. He was engraved in my heart after all.  
  
Yeah... yeah I think that all could count as love...  
  
But now....now it's just a washed-out memory between a thousand of nightmares. I'm actually surprised I can even remember it, something beyond needles and syringes, something beyond the false normality and the drugged reality.  
  
Maybe he *is* my hope after all. Even if I can't feel anymore. Even if I can't touch anymore.  
  
Maybe... maybe he is the only reason that kept me from suicide all that time.  
  
I thought a thousand of times about it, mind you.  
  
About the how, the when, the... the everything before I finally came up with the conclusion to end it with an overdose. Why not kill me entirely the way I used to kill my body now for all these months.  
  
I open my eyes and adjust them to the dimmed light in the room. It's clearer now. I think I knew before that it could only have been him. I think he's the only one that would be allowed a single touch anymore.  
  
I breathe in deeply, trying not to wake his crouched form. My throat feels... strange. Yeah... strange is a good word. I need ... water.... and thinking of need...  
  
I need a syringe or whatever.... but I need it now.  
  
  
  
I try to climb out of the bed and move towards the door that leads to the kitchen - at least I hope that's what is behind, I don't really know, to be honest.  
  
My breath is ragged and I struggle to suppress a yawn. Goddammit, never knew it was *this* cold in here.  
  
My eyes are slightly watery and I decide to go to the bathroom instead of the kitchen.  
  
Maybe he has some pills....  
  
Not exactly what I need but better than nothing I guess.  
  
Shit. I really do need stuff soon, I think my head explodes.  
  
  
  
I raise my hand slowly and open the small closet next to the basin with trembling fingers. I grip the first thing that comes to my reach. Aspirin.  
  
I throw it down on the floor and try the next one.  
  
Medicaments for belly aches, for cold.  
  
  
  
Damn, don't tell me that's the only thing he has here? Where are the drugs? Where are the pills that -  
  
  
  
"Goten what are you doing?"  
  
  
  
Shit! I turn around and face the owner of this apartment and the former owner of my heart. Shit, why the hell did he have to come now.  
  
"I have a headache." I tell him, not even a lie, but I don't think those silly pills will help against that one.  
  
"You don't have any good medicine here," I'm going into motion and try to pass him by, out of the door, "so I'm sorry, but I have to go and fetch-"  
  
  
  
I stop my speach apruptly when he grips my wrist and forced me around to face him directly. I look at him with wide eyes when he pinches my hands against the cold flagstones on the wall.  
  
I can't help but tremble with the memory that comes with that position.  
  
  
  
"T- Trunks..." My voice is quivering and I hate myself for not being strong enough. Again.  
  
But he won't. No, no he won't.  
  
  
  
"I won't let you go again, Goten."  
  
If I wasn't so goddamn afraid, maybe I would have found his choice of words sweet. But this ...  
  
  
  
I think he finally realized my situation, my trembling form, hardly able to hold my body up by myself but rather hanging limply in his arms.  
  
Shit...  
  
  
  
"Are you cold?" He lets go of my wrists and catches my falling body immediately.  
  
I jitter softly and shake my head no.  
  
"Do you want me to bring you a blanket?" He asks again, looking deeply into my eyes.  
  
  
  
Fuck. I want to hit him. I want to scream at him: It's not your fucking blanket that I want.  
  
And all I still can do is whimper.  
  
"Please.. please I need something... Please, Trunks, please bring me something..."  
  
  
  
I hope he sees the pleading in my eyes, the desperate need lurking behind the slightly dilated pupils.  
  
I think he does. And when he shakes his head slowly and pulls me closer to him I can do nothing but hate him more for putting me in agony again.  
  
  
  
"Let go! Let me go! I need it! Trunks... please"  
  
I try to find his eyes again, try to make him understand, but instead he just closes his lids while I tremble with silent tears.  
  
  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ___________  
  
  
  
Okay ^_^x  
  
Hope you liked it 


	15. Soul's tune 15

Disclaimer: Still not mine  
  
AN: I'm so sorry I didn't update in such a long time. To be honest I had to learn how to cope with my own life again, solve problems, make things alright again. Or give it a try, at least.  
  
So once again, I'm sorry.  
  
  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune  
  
  
  
I turn around, facing the world again, my world. I try to catch a glimpse of heaven, before I shake my head slowly.  
  
Heaven helped me once, it's time to move on.  
  
It time to live again.  
  
I smile at the person next to me, smile at his attempt to keep his cool mask, although sadness is shining all through his eyes.  
  
Yes, it's time to begin my life again.  
  
I raise my hand slightly to touch his cheek, feel his skin, embrace his warmth. His smile wavers a bit, while his eyes begin to water.  
  
"I'll miss you." I murmur, while stroking his face with my fingers lightly.  
  
He opens his mouth, but it seems he just can't get a word out.  
  
Still not one for big goodbyes, ne koishii.  
  
I slowly close the distance to feel him. And then my lips touch his.  
  
And it isn't like I knew it at all. It's sweet and loving and fascinating.  
  
It's full of everything I wished for all that time and it breaks my heart to leave it now, that I finally got the chance to taste it.  
  
"Don't go." A mere whisper against my lips, mingling with the tears he tries so hard to surpress.  
  
But we both know that I have to go.  
  
I need to find my life again.  
  
I need to find myself again.  
  
I need to sort out the past to make a new future.  
  
But Trunks doesn't seem to expect an answer anyway, for he brings our lips back together, kissing me like there's no tomorrow.  
  
And maybe there isn't.  
  
"I love you. I love you..." he whispers, again and again, as if saying those words would make them come true. Would make me stay.  
  
I nod. I know. I knew it all along somewhere deep in my heart. He was the one to figure it out. It must pain him as well, that now, that he finally admits it, it can't change anything anymore.  
  
There's just no turning back anymore. And I know he understands.  
  
Time doesn't move in a picture.  
  
But I can't live in the past.  
  
Life is easy, if you don't care about the future.  
  
And it's easy to smile, if you don't care about the truth.  
  
I still love you, but I've changed myself.  
  
I breathe in deeply and turn around.  
  
Getting over the past.  
  
Facing the future.  
  
  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ______________  
  
  
  
He looks healthier now.  
  
Still so thin, but nontheless healthier. His skin isn't as pale as before anymore.  
  
I want to touch him, but I'm afraid he'll break. I'm afraid he will loose his determination again. And he needs it. Now of all times.  
  
And so I'll stay quiet. Watching him. Watching him for the few minutes that are left for us.  
  
A piece of heaven in a rotten world. Do you remember slow motioned times with little golden stars?  
  
Do you recognize how hard it is for me to keep my appearance calm? Knowing you, I think you do. I want to hug you, kiss you. Everything.  
  
Goten, don't leave me now, that there could finally be an "us". Don't go now, when we finally have the chance to make everything right.  
  
  
  
But a single look at his eyes tells me, that he has to go.  
  
He shifts slightly and moves his hand upwards to my cheek. His touch is like fire. Burning me, marking me as his. Marking me as his, while he tells me in the very same moment, that he can't be mine as well.  
  
Marking me and leaving me empty.  
  
I open my mouth, trying to get him to stop. Stop burning me. Stop hurting me.  
  
But I just can't push him away. Can't push away this touch, when it could be the last.  
  
"I'll miss you." He whispers.  
  
And I want to laugh.  
  
Then don't go! Don't go. Am I not reason enough for you to stay? Am I not reason enough to make you stay?  
  
Eyes betray the soul and bear its thinking. Beyond words they say so many things to me.  
  
And then his lips touch mine, melting with mine. Making me whole. But leaving me empty  
  
Fighting time.  
  
So hard I pray that this moment will last forever.  
  
And will the world stay standing still. At least for me?  
  
Through my eyes stare into me. I bear my heart for all to see, with my face turned to the sun, there ever standing still.  
  
"Don't go."  
  
Don't go without me. Don't go now, after all we endured. After all we faced. After all we went through.  
  
Don't go now, that I know what we could have had. What there could have been.  
  
I close my eyes and lean my head against front.  
  
Count the seconds.  
  
Count the time.  
  
... it makes no sense...  
  
My lips touch his once more.  
  
Grant me this last moment, beloved, and I'll let you go.  
  
  
  
Find yourself again. In a minute.  
  
Find yourself again in a minute, but for now just give me everything you still are. Always were. Probably will always be.  
  
"I love you."  
  
There. I said the words I never thought I'd ever truthfully say.  
  
And it can't change anything.  
  
He nods and moves backwards.  
  
Leaves me here, alone. Alone in the crowd. Somewhere far away my mind recognizes the sound of a camera.  
  
I turn around to see a reporter watching me, his camera in his hands.  
  
And it breaks.  
  
I don't know what, but something inside me just... breaks.  
  
I restrain a sob and quickly walk away. Run away. Alone in the crowd. With people who wouldn't really care but were to know anyway. Haunting me now, where ever I would go, while I would silently scream at them to leave me alone with my pain. Scream at them not to make my pain unbearable, when it was bad enough now.  
  
Why won't the world stay standing still. At least for me?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
  
  
Okay. I did think about ending it right there. But after all this time leaving you hanging, I'll make it worth it at least and try a happy ending. So, cheer up, this is not the end.  
  
I hope you'll review *even after all that time* ^_^ 


	16. Soul's tune 16

Disclaimer: Still not mine  
  
Warning: None  
  
Author's note: I didn't really intent to finish the story, especially since my life went quite wrong the past few months. If it weren't for GotenTrunks who inspired me to begin writing again I think the story would have ended with chapter 15. Thank you ^_^  
  
And thanks to every single one of you who read the story and especially to those who made my life a little bit easier by reviewing.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Soul's tune 16  
  
  
  
Don't ask me how long it has been for I don't know the answer.  
  
I stretch my lazy limbs slowly. When I hear a soft moaning I open my eyes halfway and dark brown eyes lock with mine. I smile warmly and lift my hand to run over his face lightly.  
  
"Good morning" I whisper against his skin. Then I kiss his forehead and stand up to make breakfast. Before I turn around the corner I hear his faint voice, dull from sleep.  
  
"Morning, Damion."  
  
Like every morning in the past few days - weeks, months, whatever - my first real activity consists of turning on my cd player. Yeah, I have one now. No radio or TV, just a cd player.  
  
I hum along the music quietly and attend to my original reason for coming to the kitchen. After some minutes I hear my company's silent movement.  
  
"Smells good," he says and I laugh.  
  
My life has turned out to be good nowadays. I have a job. I work as a bodyguard for famous people. That way I still have reason to continue my training. Training is very important for saiyans. It's their way to reduce aggression and anger.  
  
Have I told you yet that I changed my name? No? Well, I have.  
  
Nobody calls me Goten anymore. It's as if my past personality has passed away.  
  
I'm Damion now. Damion Incél, nice to meet you. I'm an orphan with no memory of my parents. With no memory of my former life.  
  
I met Marc in a disco once. We talked and determined same interests and characteristics. He loves concerts and good conversations. He's a person with whom you can have fun.  
  
Then one thing led to the other and we found ourselves together in bed one day.  
  
I can still remember the shock I felt when I opened my eyes for the first time that certain day and looked into those beautiful dark orbs of his.  
  
And the only thing that really reached my mind was that his eyes weren't icy blue.  
  
A large hand is placed on my shoulder and I can't suppress a shudder. "Deep in thoughts?" he asks and pulls his hand back, interpreting my reaction correctly.  
  
"Yeah," I murmur, "I wonder how my former life would run if I still had the possibility to live it..."  
  
And I wonder how Trunks is. If he's feeling well, if he's angry at me, if he misses me.  
  
I haven't heard anything from him since the moment we parted. I always thought about calling him, I know his cell phone number by heart. But I never got up the nerve to actually do it for fear of a rejection.  
  
Maybe that's the reason I never bought a radio or a TV. As long as I don't hear him rejecting me my world remains stable.  
  
"Maybe you should finally put your past behind you," he tells me concerned and I have to smile. Marc surely is one of a million. Always sympathizing with me and my problems. I would hate to ever hurt him.  
  
"Feel like playing billiard?" I offer and he accepts willigly.  
  
Half an hour later we're on our way to our favorite pub. The weather's nice, a little cloudy but nontheless pleasantly warm. Every now and then the sun's coming out to lighten up the world with his smiling face. I wonder why I haven't ever paid attention to my environment, to nature the way it deserved.  
  
Maybe my life was just so full of problems that I couldn't see the wonderful things on earth anymore. Maybe I didn't want to see them.  
  
I breathe in deeply and cherish the bitter sweet air that fills my lungs immediately. My boyfriend turns around and smiles.  
  
"You're beaming," he states.  
  
"I'm happy," I retort.  
  
He puts his arm around my shoulders and this time I'm not withdrawing. "I'm glad you're happy." He really is one of a kind.  
  
Our billiard match is quite balanced. I win the first two games while he beats me in the third and fourth. It always runs this way actually.  
  
After paying the pool table we decide to go and eat some ice cream. I link my arm with his and kiss his nape with a fleeting touch and see him smile for me again.  
  
He has a fascinating smile. He's a person that makes people turn around to watch him, when he's smiling. It's as if the world suddenly becomes brighter.  
  
His eyes match with his long brown hair wonderfully and I'm glad that I'm the one he's with, although there are loads of men and women after him.  
  
When we're arriving at the nearby park I tell him to sit down and wait for me while I'm getting the ice cream. He agrees and I walk away, intending to come back in some minutes.  
  
And I think that's the point my life begins to crumble once again.  
  
He's there.  
  
I don't know why, I don't know how.  
  
But I know it's him. I'd always know.  
  
I get the urge to run away immediately but my legs seem to be frozen. My heart seems to be frozen.  
  
His soft violet hair is slowly moving in the mild wind.  
  
His shoulders tense for a second - and then he turns around to face me, his ice blue eyes wide open in shock and astonishment.  
  
He opens his lips, forms a single word - a word I longed to forget, a word I wished to bury with my past, a word whispered so low, that I can barely understand it.  
  
"Goten..."  
  
He comes closer, traces the skin of my face lightly with his fingertips as if to make sure I'm real.  
  
He still smells the same. Like a mixture of sweet honey and milk. He still smells like life.  
  
I close my eyes instinctively and lean my head against his warmth.  
  
"It's really you. Oh God, it's you..."  
  
He cups my cheeks with his hand and lifts my head up to make me meet his eyes. I can't help but do him the favor, although I already know right then that this will be my doom. That I'll melt away again.  
  
And I do.  
  
Yes, in a way I do. In the way I'd always melt away when seeing him, when touching him, when feeling him. "How have you been?" he asks, still not letting go off me. Oh God, it feels so right but is so wrong.  
  
"Fine... I've been fine. I finally arranged the chaos in my life. And you? What about you," I stumble over his name. It's been too long since I let myself say it out loudly. "What about you, Trunks?"  
  
His eyes seem to dim just a little bit too much to be coincidence. That's right. Now as I look closer I can recognize the darkened gleam in them. They're not shining, like they used to.  
  
Before I can ask, however, he smiles and answers my unspoken question.  
  
"It's been quite stressful. The media wouldn't leave me alone for a minute."  
  
I laugh.  
  
"I can imagine. You've always been popular."  
  
He looks at me strangely and tilts his head to his right.  
  
"Haven't you watched TV? Never read the newspaper?"  
  
I knit my brows and shake my head. I've never really read anything since we parted.  
  
He removes his hands from my face and I miss his touch at once.  
  
"Is there anything I should know?"  
  
"Damion!" I turn my head to see my boyfriend running towards me. Damn! He couldn't have chosen any worse timing.  
  
Trunks watches the dark haired man for some seconds, then faces me again.  
  
"Damion?" He asks and I can see that he understands the situation, but doesn't yet want to comprehend.  
  
I pray to God that Marc won't kiss me in front of Trunks but my prayers aren't answered when he leans down to give me a fleeting kiss on my lips.  
  
I stare in shock into Trunk's eyes while I'm waiting for my boyfriend to stop.  
  
His eyes are inexpressive, no emotion in them.  
  
Then he smiles slightly.  
  
"No. No there isn't anything you should know," he says quietly. "Take care, Damion."  
  
Marc turns around in surprise and looks after the retreating man.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Who was the guy?"  
  
My past.  
  
"I just met him..."  
  
My future.  
  
"Sorry I left you waiting."  
  
My life.  
  
  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ____  
  
  
  
So! Finally got the chapter done. Went faster than I originally thought.  
  
I hope you like it, please do me the favor and review 


	17. Soul's tune 17

Disclaimers: Dragonball isn't mine. What else is new?  
  
Author's note: Sorry, all my exams are coming up these times and I just can't find the time to write.  
  
Thanks to all of my reviewers. Thanks so much!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____  
"You're quite pale, Damion." Marc glances at me concerned. I wonder if I should laugh aloud. What an irony. I was finally able to start anew, finally able to shut my old life off , just to see my new life break down again. Just to see my whole past in front of my eyes again.  
  
Tell me how the wounds can heal , when I'm not granted time, when there is always another moment which destroys all my former efforts?  
  
I turn to my boyfriend and smile at him.  
  
"It's fine. I'm fine."  
  
A lie. Definately a lie. I'm far from being okay. The first lie since we met. We never lied to each other. But I just can't think of anything else to say. I can't cope with the situation at hand.  
  
Sure, there were some things I had to cover up or at least change to a certain degree to hide my true heritage, but for all intents and purposes I was always faithful.  
  
He just never asked the questions that would have put me to inconvenience. He wanted to give me as much time as I needed to tell him everything when I was feeling ready.  
  
Now I think this moment is as far away as it has ever been before, too far away to even grasp it. And I think it departs with every single second.  
  
Why?  
  
Why did you have to come now, when I was finally able to create a new future, Trunks?  
  
And suddenly I'm angry.  
  
Angry at Trunks. For coming into my life and disarranging it again.  
  
Angry at me. For being too chicken to call him. I didn't have to repress everything.  
  
In fact it probably wouldn't have gotten me so hard if I had just heard from him once in a while.  
  
But then I know I wouldn't have ever overcome our relationship, or the lack thereof that is.  
  
It is easier to repress something than to forget the whole matter.  
  
It wouldn't have gotten me this hard, however. It wouldn't have ripped open all the wounds to the bone. Seems like it happened just yesterday. Everything.  
  
My world feels sticky.  
  
Blurred.  
  
Trunk's non-acceptance, Lycra, drugs.  
  
Deeper, deeper.  
  
D E E P E R  
  
Red. Everything in red, blood and honor till you're dead.  
  
Syringes, pills, Trunk's bed.  
  
Warmth, security. Bitter bile.  
  
My blood... boils.  
  
"Damion?"  
  
I blink and try to find my way back to reality.  
  
"Come here, lean on my shoulder, we're getting you home."  
  
I consider his words for a moment, look for the sense in them and nod with difficulty. My body doesn't seem to obey my will, but I can't explain why. I don't know why and it scares me.  
  
The voices are so .. convoluted. They connect... and disconnect... and connect... and disconnect...  
  
Black. Pale.  
  
Catch me. Catch -  
  
Me.  
I open my eyes fitfully.  
  
"Back among the living?"  
  
I turn my head around to see Marc's concerned face in front of me.  
  
"You brought me home?" My voice sounds so wrong, so quiet.  
  
"Well yeah, you just passed out on me..." he smiles a little forced, a smile that is full of pain and sorrow. He grips my hand. The gesture seems so helpless.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
I swallow, my spittle is thick, my throat sore.  
  
"I don't know exactly... It was like my heart thumped faster ... increasingly faster... and then it just - burst. I don't know." I whisper and avert my eyes.  
  
My lids are feeling so heavy . I long to close them and to forget the world around me .  
  
I wish for calmness although I know that it is impossible.  
  
And for a short instant I really consider to maybe visit a certain female acquaintance for one more time. If she's still living, of course. Perhaps she already died from an overdose.  
  
Oh God. What am I thinking. I should be frightened of my own thoughts.  
  
How long did I fight to get away from those damn drugs.  
  
How much sweat and tears did it cost until I finally found release in Trunks' embrace.  
  
I recognize arms that enclose me suddenly. Grant warmth.  
  
"Shh..." Marc's voice is whispering into my ear, while one of his hands moves from its position on my back up to my neck to press my head softly against Marc's shoulder.  
  
My body trembles.  
  
"Shh... It's all gonna be okay. Don't cry."  
  
I nod and bury my face deeper into his shirt, while he smoothes me with his proximity.  
  
"You knew him, didn't you?"  
  
Please don't talk about it. Let's repress it a little longer.  
  
I know Marc has the right to finally learn something about my past. I left him out in the dark for far too long. But now is certainly the wrong moment.  
  
Nontheless I breathe in deeply and nod again.  
  
"He... he was very important to me." I tell him quietly, my voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt. Marc looks at me closely for some minutes and then shakes his head almost sadly.  
  
"That was the president of Capsule Corp. wasn't it?"  
  
I remove myself from his embrace to look into his eyes. "Yeah. How did you know?"  
  
Marc knits his brows as if my question was unnecessary - which it probably was. Who wouldn't know Trunks Briefs.  
  
But he answers nontheless. "He's been in every newspaper and every broadcast station for some time now. Poor guy."  
  
Now that got my attention. Poor guy? What the hell?  
  
Now that I think about it... didn't Trunks mention something like that as well?  
  
And he did look tired...  
  
I put my arms on both of Marc's shoulders. "What happened? Did something happen to him?!"  
  
My voice is quivering.  
  
"You really don't know?" Marc asks incredulously.  
  
I shake my head slowly, a terrible apprehension forming.  
  
"Media found out that he was gay. I think it happened when he kissed his boyfriend goodbye at the airport, but I'm not too sure. In any case the guy was beat up by his father quite harshly, he was about a month in intensive care. I think he lives alone now, his parents don't want to have anything to do with him anymore."  
_________________________ ________________________  
  
*evil laugh*  
  
hope you liked it!  
  
Christul: You're welcome. ^_^ It took me long enough *sweatdrop*  
  
Kawaii Kai: Wow. Thanks for all of your reviews! And don't worry, Goten won't forget about Trunks too soon ;)  
  
I dunno: There will be some more chapters, don't worry. I just can't tell you when they are finished...  
  
GotenTrunks: I really doubt that this new life is all Goten ever wanted. That's why I just can't let him continue this way *fg* Thanks for the review!  
  
Leaf Zelindor: Thank you. Thank you ;)  
  
Dbzchild: Thx for the review!  
  
Kirei no Anime 262: I love yaoi as well ^_^ 


	18. Soul's tune 18

Nope, I don't own dragonball.  
  
Now that that's said on with the story  
  
_____________________________________  
  
My head feels heavy. Idle. Tired. Unable to pick up one more thought. Often my lids would just close, as if there was no strength left in me to keep them open. I feel so weak. I am so.... weak. Yeah. Maybe there really is no more strength in my body. Or maybe I'm just lacking the will.  
  
My gaze wanders down and I recognize that my hands are trembling. For how long... have they been trembling? Now, that it attracts my attention, I can only wonder how I didn't notice it before. They look so lost and forlorn on my lap. Probably as forlorn and lost as I myself am feeling.  
  
Oh God, what am I thinking? Have I finally gone insane? How could I think about my hands in a situation like this?  
  
What am I to do? Please, what am I to do?  
  
But however long I think about this simple question, I just can't seem to find an answer. Why are questions so easily raised but so hard to be answered? More often than not it's those banal things that you cannot solve.  
  
What shall I do?  
  
"Damion? You're so... pale...." Marc's voice tears me out of my thoughts and for a moment I'm grateful. The question is eroding me for there is no way for me to answer it. Maybe there is no answer to it? Maybe I'm just thinking so hard, too hard about it that I'm not able to -  
  
"Damion are you okay?"  
  
I snap my head up at Marc's words. For a minute I don't know how to use my voice. Silence crawls between us like an icy blanket. I lay a trembling hand on my forehead.  
  
"I need some time alone. I'm sorry." Just barely a whisper, before I suddenly jump up and grap my jacket to run out of the door. You can't leave him like that, Goten, he deserves better! My voice of reason tells me and I stop at the door and turn around to Marc's saddened eyes.  
  
"I... I just... need fresh air." I try to explain, but my voice is hardly any louder than the beating of my heart. Can he still hear me all the same? There was never such a link between the two of us like the one I had with Trunks. For a short instant I'm frightened. Is it me? Me with that cracked voice, who fought so hard to begin a new life and forget the old one? What an irony that my past overtakes me now with such a smack in the eye.  
  
I reach blindly for the door handle and after some unavailing attempts my fingers finally grip the cold metal. My body trembles so much, I'm afraid my knees give in.  
  
"Do you think this is a good idea?" Marc sounds worried, like always. Yeah, like always. A small, logical thinking part of myself tries to tell me that Marc is indeed right to be worried, you'd probably just have to look at me to be worried. Not to speak of the riot and chaos, that is my psyche. But the other part inside of me turns about 180 degrees and suddenly I can hardly control myself from letting out my frustration on Marc. He is surely the person who is the least to blame. It was me who kissed Trunks. And it was me who left him alone for fear of another rejection. To find myself To let myself be found. I couldn't possibly know...- But I could have anticipated.  
  
Trunks is C.C's president. Of course he's darling number one of the media. Moreover was it a public airport. I should have known there would be consequences. But I haven't.  
  
No, no I have. Why else would I have avoided the press, why else shut myself off of the world? Yeah, I didn't know for sure, but I have, I did have anticipated it to a certain degree.  
  
I think his gaze flickers lightly when I look into Marc's eyes. "I have to. I owe it to him." He looks at me wordlessly. "I... I'm so sorry, Marc..." Why does everything have to be so complicated? As if Dende hasn't played enough with my life.  
  
"I have to go," I repeat again and open the door. Marc still doesn't say a word and I wonder if he's comprehending. Or if he's in denial? He must know that this will be our final goodbye. Dammit, say something! Stop me! Help me! I want to scream, but my lips can't form the words.  
  
So I look at him for the last time, begging, pleading. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to hurt him. Hell, I don't want to hurt both of them. Oh please...  
  
But Marc remains silent, offers no advice, doesn't hold me back. And finally I stumble out of the door.  
  
Yeah, Goten. Running away again, aren't you. Now, when I thought that I had finally found the perfect life. No, of course not perfect, but at least as close to perfect as I could ever get.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"Hello, you are connected with the mailbox of Trunks Briefs. Please leave your message after-" I hang up before the audio tape can finish its standart message. I sigh deeply and put my cell phone back into my pocket. He won't call back. He isn't the type to, especially if he doesn't know the number.  
  
I put my arms around my body and decide to keep going. I lost my way hours ago. Who knows what damned streets I am walking on. I tried to call Trunks three times and three times he didn't answer the telephone. Maybe he knew who was to call him?  
  
When a liquid touches my skin softly I lift my head up to the sky to see it has been clouded over. Why does it have to rain now of all times? The wind tells me the storm won't wait for long and I hurry to find some kind of shelter.  
  
After some minutes the water begins to drop down faster. My jacket is soaked within another two minutes and in combination with the chilly wind it sends cold sensations down my spine. Unconsciously I speed up to escape the cooling weather. Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea as to where I am and so I run through streets and avenues rather blindly. Where the hell am I?! The rain is pouring so hard, I can hardly recognize anything anymore. And as if my body doesn't already tremble enough, the wind does its best to make my limbs grow stiff.  
  
I speed up and run into another alley. - And come to an abrupt halt. Rather painfully I must add. Years of exercise prevent me from running headfirst into the wall. I turn my body around when I crash against the solid stone, but there's a soft gnash that tells me that my shoulder must be dislocated now. And this one really hurts. Much. For a moment I can literally see stars in front of me which are awfully bright in the darkening weather. It seems they lighten up the whole atmosphere. A figure is waiting in the dark. Smiling for me. Am I halluzinating? The female form comes closer and closer and I try to find the strength to keep my eyes open. Who?  
  
"Hello there.... Goten."  
  
The voice sounds so familiar ... somehow....  
  
"Don't you... recognize me?"  
  
It sounds so frightening familiar. I just can't grab the information in the back of my head.  
  
"You look like a mess.... again. Do you want me to help you?"  
  
Yeah... it must be her... but her language is so formal... how?  
  
"Just.... take off your jacket and pull your sleeve up....I'll do the rest..." She reaches for something in her coat and a second later I recognize the thing as a syringe.  
  
"Lycra, I...." I try to stop her softly, but the words just won't come out. To my horror I raise my arm for her to take. Is this a nightmare? I didn't... I didn't want to do drugs... ever again. But my body disobeys. Release.... release... release....  
  
Like an echo in my head.  
  
Free...dom.... free... dom.....  
  
"I'll help you get away from your pain...." Lyrca tells me and helps me out of my jacket. She removes the cloth between her hand and my bare skin and brings the needle closer. So close.  
  
Did I mention that my lids feel heavy? And that the world is so sickening dark? And that the silence is hurting me? I can feel the tip of the needle on my skin and it somehow feels... good. So forsaken good. I know it grants release. It grants freedom.  
  
Lycra chuckles at my impatience and grips my arm tighter. Then she slowly pushes the -  
  
My cell phone breaks the silence and I wince. Darkness surrenders and suddenly I can feel the icy coldness on my flesh again. With numb fingers I reach for my phone and bring it to my ear.  
  
"Hello?" I croak, my throat feels like is has been worked on with abrasive paper.  
  
"Goten... is that you?" The voice on the other end asks, but my mind can barely make out the words. Why does the world seem so blurry?  
  
"Yeah... Goten..." I confirm. I can see the colours unite.... it's kinda... funny. Did... did I say that aloud?  
  
"Goten, are you in company?!" The voice sounds slightly terrified now. Do I imagine things? Maybe I really did say the last thought aloud.  
  
"Yeah... Lycra is here..." I force my head around to look for the petite female. "Oh... she isn't here anymore.... where could she have gone....?" I murmur. My limbs twitch uncontrollably. I look down. I'm still wearing my jacket.  
  
"But maybe... she wasn't....at all?" I wonder. My thoughts are so confused and tiring.  
  
"Goten, where are you exactly?"  
  
"In a blind alley.... my shoulder hurts.... honestly...."  
  
"Did you hurt your shoulder? What alley is it? What part of town?"  
  
I giggle.  
  
"Dark.... with golden stars. So bright...."  
  
"This isn't funny!"  
  
But it is! The stars are flowing so fluidly. Starry, dreamy wish.....for freedom.... peace. Body and mind....  
  
I have often seen someone's body die. But have you ever killed your soul?  
  
Whispered words  
  
Spoken to be broken....  
  
I can't hear you! I can still not hear you!  
  
What... am I thinking ?!  
  
"Trunks...?"  
  
Did I say that aloud ...too..?  
  
- - - - - - __________________________________________________  
  
Sorry it took me this long again. First off I went to a festival for a week. Then I travelled to Spain (where I actually had the whole chapter typed in German) and for three weeks I've been working nonstop. I'm tired I tell you. Waking up at half past four and coming home half past two isn't really something for me (yet). So once again, sorry to have kept you waiting for so long (especially since the story only needed to be translated for about three weeks) Well, I didn't read through the story for any mistakes so please forgive me if there are any. But better a story with some mistakes than to wait one more week ne?  
  
Tali: Thanks so much. I have a faible for cliffys, I'm sorry ^_^ - Rei: I still don't know if there will be a happy ending... I'm quite honored that you like my story this much. Thanks!! - chibidark_angel: well, don't worry, the goten/trunks will be coming... and with the happy moments... let's see what I can do for you ;) - leaf zelindor: Here's your "more" Hope you enjoyed it - ChibiLoner: Damn, I don't know how long you must have been sitting in front of your computer to read all chapters in one day. Thanks for keeping up with my story - ~Forever Lost~: Thank you! Here's your update - scorpion05: Well, there's a good chance for goten and trunks now, isn't there? ;) - KisaandKenta: Thank you!! - GotenTrunks: Thanks for reviewing every chapter. Yeah, you rock! But don't worry, they'll find each other soon enough *evil laugh* - Christul: You're welcome ^_^ - Kimi the Kenlei: Well... I thought about Trunks telling Goten personally what happened between Vejiita and him... Thanks for the tipp! - Red-Chan: Ok, here's the update, hope you like it - Dreamer: Well... uh... thank you! Hope you like the chapter as well ^_^ - lil Hawk: No, no, don't worry, it isn't over. Thanks for your review ;) - Hi ^.^: I personally like sad endings as well... *hrhrr* - Jeice: Ok, here's the next chapter. - M-phyton-girl: Of course I'm having another chapter! Here it is! (and there will be more of them for sure) - futagoakuma-tenshi02: thanks! Hope you enjoyed this chapter as well ^_^ - neon blade: ok! This time you won't check out in vail, cause here is the new chapter ;) thanks for your review, to both of you! 


	19. author's note

AN:

It's been a long time

I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this fiction since I started it six years ago and haven't updated for ... what? Five years?

To be honest I had totally forgotten about this old fiction of mine and stumbled opon it only yesterday and then decided to re-read it.

There were many scenes that made me laugh outright but I also saw some potential in it if I'd manage to find the right words to fix it up.

So basically I've decided to revise Soul's tune before actually continuing it. Since it's been a few years and my writing style changed a bit, I can't just carry on where I left off before.

The main story won't change too much but I hope I will manage not to make it sound as cliché as it was before.

I'd like to thank everyone for the kind words they left me and their support )

The revised story will be posted on my other account Seelenspiel. I've decided to change the original title Soul's voice to the german equivalent „Klang der Seele"

(..)

Cerviel


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